“Grief” is an emotion that we feel when we experience loss.  Death is only one kind of loss.  Other losses that make us grieve include divorce, losing your job, loss of a pet and so on…all of those things that end the life that we knew and force us to start a new one.  There are a number of factors that will affect the intensity of the grief such as the quality of a relationship, an individual’s acceptance of death and the manner in which the loss occurred.   

The sixth stage of grief that we will experience is Panic.  All of the sudden you will wonder how you will be able to manage now that you have lost the shoulder that you had always leaned on.  You will wonder how you will handle special days like Christmas and birthdays.  For some, it will mean that you will need to find a job.  Panic can be a pretty overwhelming stage. 

 I remember how overwhelming the “firsts” were…the first Christmas, the first birthday.  Every family has traditions; a big one for Gail, the kids and I is to see the fireworks on the first of July.  We have a million dollar view from our trailer and we have a fire and cook hotdogs.  I think the first of July would hurt a lot for me.  Sometimes the best way to handle those “first” times is to do something totally different than you usually do. 

  Selfishness is the next stage.  When you go through this stage, you will feel like nobody else has a problem like you do.  You can become so lost that you will find it hard to think of the needs of others.  You might think that people don’t care enough or that they are not feeling the loss with the same magnitude that you are.  Rest assured that in their own way, they are…they just may not show it in the same way that you do.

We were sitting in the church before my mother’s funeral.  My son and my nephew, both about 13 at the time were sitting next to each other.  I don’t know who started to laugh first, but between the two of them, it became contagious.  My sister was a bit annoyed at those two boys but she just didn’t understand what was really happening.  Darrell and Joel loved their Grandma a lot and I knew that they weren’t laughing at anything in particular.  The second stage of the grief cycle is Emotional Release.  This is the ability to get rid of those bottled up feelings by crying, by screaming and yes, even by laughing…whatever positive manifestations that allow a release of emotions. 

It’s important to know that even though we will all experience these stages of grief, we will experience them at our own speed and maybe more than one stage at a time.  It’s also important to know that it may take a couple of years to work your way through a “good grief” cycle.  If you have ever heard of the phrase “bad grief”, it would relate to becoming stuck in one stage and not being able to move on.        

The third stage of the grief cycle is Depression.  This is the stage when you start to realize the impact of the loss.  This is the stage when you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning or once you get the kids off to school, you want to go back to bed and stay there.  What’s really important to know in this stage is that the people around you really do care.  So if you are reading this, and you know someone who is grieving, let me tell you that a phone call, a visit or a card are all good things.  Don’t stay away because you don’t think that you know the right things to say.  Sometimes you just need to listen.  Sometimes it’s not what you say that means so much, but just the fact that you cared enough to come.

When my sister died the year before I went to Humber College, I kept everything inside.  I avoided being around the people who could have helped me the most because I thought that when people had a common reason to grieve, they couldn’t support each other.  How wrong I was!  One of the most interesting courses that I took when I was in the Funeral Service course was called “Psychology of Grief”.  I remember sitting on the floor of my room in Toronto typing out assignments for that course; the tears running down my face partly because I was reliving a time of my life that hurt too much and partly because I learned that all those things that I had felt when Bev died were actually normal.     

There are stages that we all go through when a significant person in our life dies and although some have different names or thoughts, I’ll tell you what I know.  I can’t stress to you enough that it’s never too early and it’s never too late to learn about grief.  And so for the next few weeks, I want to talk about ten stages that we will all go through at our own speeds, when someone close to us dies. 

The first stage is Shock and Disbelief.  Sometimes shock is so great that people react in abrupt ways.  I know personally of a time when the bearer of bad news was punched by the person receiving the news, but generally shock makes us numb.  Shock and Disbelief is a buffer period.  This is the time when you are on your way to the hospital and you’re thinking that maybe you heard something wrong, maybe it was somebody else and maybe this is just a bad dream.  This stage allows you to get your thoughts together and prepare yourself.   It is for this reason that it is important to see the person who died because that is the single moment that allows you to face the reality and to begin working through your own grief.

I want to offer a big thanks to everyone who made the 2011 Christmas Memorial Tree possible.  To the generous offers of trees from Janet Holmes, Wendy Lachine and Sandra Rumble and to the Paul Welton Family for donating their tree this year, a big thanks!  To Max Lindsay and crew from M&M Tree Service a big thanks for taking the tree down again this year!  To Mark Phillips from Phillips Skid Steer Service for picking up and delivering the tree again this year a big thanks!  To our very own Anna Toporowska for making ornaments, keeping everything organized and for keeping ME organized, a big thanks!  For everyone who came to the tree lighting and to everyone who stopped to remember someone, a big thanks…it means so much.  And finally to everyone who let us know how much the tree is appreciated, thank you so much.  I want to share an e-mail that I received:

Marc,
 I wanted to drop you a note to say how much it makes my day every time I walk by the memorial tree uptown.  One of you took the time to appreciate that the angel for my Dad with the tag “Grampa Ken Fields” attached was something very special from the gradnchildren and put it just at the right height for them.  They are so proud to point it out to everyone around each time we walk by.  As I look over the many decorations for people whom have been a part of our lives at some point, it brings back so many memories of lives well lived and so many taken too soon.  Sometimes we laugh remembering funny stories and sometimes we cry.  I want to thank you, because I know for certain there are many just like me who appreciate the reminiscing and I hope that Dad’s ornament has done that for some as well.
I found it ironic that in your Musings this week (yes, the younger generation reads them too!) you mentioned that if you were to give everyone a gift it would be: time, peace, hope, hugs and love.  I believe the tree gives all of those priceless things and more!
 If you haven’t already found one for next year Ian and I would be honoured to donate the tree.
 I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and only the very best in the New Year!
Rhonda Rumble

Thanks, Rhonda!

If I could give something to all of  you this Christmas, this is what it would be:

Patience

It seems that we are always in a hurry and maybe at Christmas time it’s even worse.  When you’re in the grocery store on the day before Christmas and somebody just took the last loaf of bread, you’re going to feel like crying.  Sometimes life isn’t fair.  I would give you a big box of patience; some for you and some for others.  It’s hard to find patience sometimes when you are grieving.

Time

Some of us can’t wait for the next day and some of us are dreading what it may bring.  Some of us don’t have enough time and some have too much time.  I don’t know who came up with the saying that time heals all because it just doesn’t.  But time is the only way to get from one day to another and tomorrow the edges of your pain may be a bit softer.

Peace

Peace is something that you will find in yourself.  I can’t buy peace for you in a store, but with patience and time, peace may follow. 

Hope    

When we are grieving sometimes it feels like we lose all sense of hope.  Don’t give up hope, because you can’t live without hope.  Just remember that you are experiencing the pain of losing because you had the privilege of loving.

Hugs

It’s important to have physical contact.  I watched on t.v. once when some stood on a busy New York street holding a sign that said “free hugs” and it was surprising how many people came up and gave him a hug.  Give a hug and you’ll probably get two in return.

Love

Love isn’t something that ends with death.  You didn’t lose it; what you really want is your loved one back.  I still love my Mom, my sister, my nephew…it’s still there; just not in the same package.  I would help you rediscover that the love is still there, deep in your heart.

Those are the things that I would give you this Christmas.  Instead of concentrating on the things that your loved one took away from you, think of all the things that he or she gave to you.  They are the gifts that you will keep forever.

It’s that time of year again; Christmas is just a few days away.  Saying that this Christmas will be difficult is a huge understatement for many of you because of the loss you have experienced this year.  As a bereaved spouse, parent, sibling or child you will probably come to the conclusion that there are only two holiday seasons; the ones before and the ones after your loved one passed away.  For some, this will be the second Christmas without your loved one.  You may find that the numbness that cushioned you from reality last Christmas has worn off and it will seem even worse as you look at the empty chair or hear silence where there used to be laughter.  It will be a confusing time…people may tell you to look for the happy moments and to grab ahold of them.  And that might make sense but you will also think that you will feel guilty if you do manage to cope.  Your head is going to tell you one thing and your heart is going to tell you another.

One thing that I learned last week at our seminar about Grieving Through The Holidays is that you need to be able to give yourself permission to do or not to do things over the holidays.  If you can’t bring yourself to do something this year, that’s okay.  And if you want to do something that keeps you connected to your loved one, that’s okay too.  It’s a good thing to keep some traditions and to make new ones as well.  Light a candle at the table…hang your loved one’s stocking in the traditional place…ask someone to decorate your tree for you.   

And always remember that there is help from others who have experienced loss.  One day a stranger may see you and say “I will walk with you” and he will because he has been this way before.  You’ll talk and cry together and you will become friends like no other has.  And then one day you will lift your head and you will notice someone else drawn with pain and you will approach that person and say “I will walk with you”…and you will.  That may be the greatest gift of all.

The countdown is on.  By the time many of you are reading this, there will be only 23 days left before Christmas morning.  For some of you, the excitement will be building and for some of you, sadness will wash away the joy of Christmas this year.  Once again the Blenheim Community Funeral Home will be placing a Christmas Memorial Tree by the Post Office in Blenheim and placing decorations on it in memory of the special people who have touched your lives.  It is our hope that as you walk by, you will stop for a moment and remember them.  We also hope that you will find comfort in knowing that others are doing the same and that your loved one is not forgotten. 

This is the third year that we will have placed a Christmas Memorial Tree for the Community.  Anna has been busy for three weeks now whenever she has had the chance to make sure that any missing decorations are replaced and that any new decorations are ready.  Three years ago we started with almost 200 decorations on the tree and this year we already have over 500 decorations to place on the tree. 

At 6:30 p.m. on Friday December 2^nd, the same night as the Santa Claus Parade in Blenheim we will light the tree that was donated this year by the Welton Family.  Last year many people joined us for the lighting and everyone is invited this year to do the same.  There are tears, there are hugs, there are smiles and there is silence.    

The Blenheim Community Funeral Home places the Memorial Tree for the entire community regardless of who your Funeral Service Provider was.  If you would like us to make an ornament for you and place it on the tree, just give us a call and we would be happy to do that for you.  If you would like to place an ornament on the tree yourselves, feel free to do that.  If you have a special ornament that you would like to have placed but would like us to do that for you, give us a call.  The only thing we ask is that you not place glass ornaments on the tree because of the potential of them breaking.

Remembering you at Christmas time,

Marc

A couple of weeks ago when I mentioned the Christmas Memorial Tree, I thought that I was bringing the subject of Christmas up too early.  But when I went to church that Sunday and read about the upcoming Christmas festivities and when I visited stores to find them decorated and playing Christmas music, I realized how fast Christmas really is approaching. 

This is the third year that the Blenheim Community Funeral Home will provide a Christmas Memorial Tree which is placed outside the Blenheim Post Office.  On the tree we place ornaments with the names of people who have passed away, regardless of who their funeral service provider was.  We do place an ornament for any family who we have been honoured to serve and we will replace all of the ornaments that were included last year, but if you haven’t had an ornament on the tree and would like one to be there, simply give us a call and we will place one for you or you can place one on the tree yourself.  The only thing we ask is that you not place glass ornaments on the tree since it could become a hazard if it should fall and break. 

We generally put the tree in place around the first of December and then we will light the tree on the night of the Santa Claus Parade in Blenheim which this year is December 2^nd.  Christmas time is an especially challenging time for people who have lost someone.  We believe that when a death occurs, the community comes together to support families and the Memorial Tree is one more way to do that.  I have been touched over the past two years to watch people as they pass the tree and stop for a moment to remember.  While I am placing ornaments on the tree I can hear the anticipation in peoples voices as they look for and find that one special ornament.  And as I am placing the ornaments on the tree, I remember something about each person and each family that we have served.  Thank you for that opportunity.

Friday is Remembrance Day.  We must remember. If we do not, the sacrifice of those one hundred thousand Canadian lives will be meaningless. They died for us, for their homes and families and friends, for a collection of traditions they cherished and a future they believed in; they died for Canada.

Wars touched the lives of Canadians of all ages, all races, all social classes. Fathers, sons, daughters, sweethearts: they were killed in action, they were wounded, and thousands who returned were forced to live the rest of their lives with the physical and mental scars of war. The people who stayed in Canada also served – in factories, in voluntary service organizations, wherever they were needed.

Yet for many of us, war is a phenomenon seen through the lens of a television camera or a journalist’s account of fighting in distant parts of the world. Our closest physical and emotional experience may be the discovery of wartime memorabilia in a family attic. But even items such as photographs, uniform badges, medals, and diaries can seem vague and unconnected to the life of their owner. For those of us born during peacetime, all wars seem far removed from our daily lives.

By remembering their service and their sacrifice, we recognize the tradition of freedom these men and women fought to preserve. They believed that their actions in the present would make a significant difference for the future, but it is up to us to ensure that their dream of peace is realized. On Remembrance Day, we acknowledge the courage and sacrifice of those who served their country and acknowledge our responsibility to work for the peace they fought hard to achieve.

Well, it’s officially fall.  When I walked out of the house the other day, I noticed that half of the leaves were gone from the birch trees in our front yard.  That made me stop for awhile since I hadn’t taken the time to enjoy the brilliant yellow that they had turned.  One of my favourite fall memories as a kid is a drive that took us to a farm where they grew mums…there were rows and rows of brilliant colours.  The maple tree that I see from my office has already turned deep red and lost many of its leaves.  That maple tree is like a clock to me; reminding me of Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time for everything.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he takes stock of where he is and where he thought he would be.  Last week when I turned 55, it was one of those days for me.  It seems like it was only yesterday when I turned 40 and I thought about how quickly time slips by.  I thought about my mother passing away at 67 and wondered how I would make the best of 12 years if that’s all the time I had left.  This summer I finished reading a book about loss and it talked about exactly that…children wonder if they will die at the same age as their parents.  That thought profoundly affects children whose parents die young because they worry about it so much, sometimes without understanding what’s going on inside their minds.

According to the television commercials that I seen years ago about Freedom 55, I should have been sailing the Pacific with Gail in my arms, sipping a cup of coffee.  Instead, I had my grandsons for the night sleeping on a huge makeshift bed (and sometimes trampoline) in the basement.  Lucas recently went shopping and got a “button shirt”, a tie, a vest and grey pants that match Papa’s.  When he got dressed up for church this week, he was beaming from ear to ear. 

Yup, I’m exactly where I want to be!

Last night we hosted our second of three Information Sessions planned for this fall.  At the first session, Jason Mallory of Kerr, Wood & Mallory talked about the need for wills, powers of attorneys and other legal issues.  Last night Heather Kiteley brought a fresh and honest approach to funeral planning and how to plan ahead and be prepared.

Next month, on Tuesday November 29^th, Dixie Peters from “…a time to mourn…” will share some thoughts on how to cope with loss during the holiday season.  Christmas time is a very difficult time to get through when you are grieving and it deserves special attention.  Last year I was at a seminar in Chatham where Dixie spoke about grieving through the holidays and I have asked her to come here this year and speak.  When it gets closer to Christmas we always get the pamphlets out for folks to take home to read and they speak a bit on the difficulty of getting through Christmas but pamphlets can’t compare to shared experiences.    

So if you missed the first couple of Information Sessions, don’t miss this next one.  The sessions start at 6:30 p.m. and usually end around 8.  We have a time for questions and take time to have a bite to eat and enjoy each others company until you are ready to leave.  Next month we’ll have shortbread cookies in the shape of angels; something that my Mom always made at Christmas time and something that I have continued to do since she died, because that brings special meaning to my family at Christmas time. 

Plans are also underway for the Memorial Christmas Tree that we have placed by the Post Office for the past two years.  I will talk more about that later, but the response to the Memorial Tree over the past two years has been great and people have already asked about it this year.  The Memorial Tree is all about remembering loved ones at Christmas time.  For more information, don’t hesitate to call.

Tell me this…do your children know if your preference is cremation or traditional burial?  Do they know your Mother’s maiden name and where she was born?  Is there any special music that you would like to be played or sung at your own funeral?  Do you know what documents you will need if you intend to use a cemetery plot that was purchased by someone else?  Do you have a will?  Does your executor know that you named him/her to take care of your affairs and where to find a copy of your will?  Did you know that we have always assisted families with all of the estate work that needs to be done when the funeral is over?  So many questions and sometime so few answers…

Next Tuesday October 25 at 6:30, Heather Kiteley of Guaranteed Funeral Deposits will bring her experience and perspective on how to plan ahead and be prepared.  Heather followed her father’s footsteps and became a Funeral Director and has since joined the team at GFD.  Her presentation will be a great source of information to you.  So come out for Heather’s session and then stay for something to eat after the presentation.  We would like to know how many to prepare for, so give us a call at 519-676-9200 to let us know you are coming.  There’s no pressure on your part to take any action…just come out, enjoy the session and the food afterwards!       

This is the second of three information sessions planned for this year; the next one will be in November, the guest speaker being Dixie Peters from …a time to mourn… who will give us some ideas on how to get through the holidays when we are grieving.   Then in the spring we will have three more information sessions with new topics.  Todays consumers want to be informed consumers and we at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home understand how important that is.

Recently someone said to me “I’m so glad we planned all of this ahead of time” referring to the funeral service that was held for her husband.  I agreed, saying that it had allowed them to do what they needed to do most, which was to be together as a family and to grieve. 

At a first information seminar that we had here at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, Jason Mallory of Kerr, Wood & Mallory reinforced that pre-planning a funeral is a good thing to do.  Financial Advisors reinforce that pre-planning a funeral is a good thing to do.  Children who have gone through the process of making final arrangements for their parents funerals say that the steps that their parents took to pre-arrange their own funerals was a good thing to do.  Funeral Directors say that it’s a good thing to do.  I don’t know if anyone would disagree. 

A recent survey showed that three-quarters of Canadians over 35 have thought about their own funerals.  Some had taken steps toward pre-planning, even if it was to address their preference of burial vs. cremation, making a will or completing a donor card.  And for those who undertook some formal planning for their funerals, their motivations were driven by a need to reduce the emotional and financial burdens on their families.

Pre-planned funerals can include a pre-payment plan but they don’t have to.  They can simply include providing statistical information that will be required and making your wishes known. 

Our next seminar which will be held on Tuesday October 25^th will be about “Planning Ahead”.  Heather Kiteley will be the guest speaker and she will bring a fresh and honest approach to funeral planning.  Heather will share her experience and perspective on how to plan ahead and be prepared.

There’s no catch…just come on out and hear what valuable information Heather has to share and stay for some food after the seminar.  We would like to get an idea of how many folks will be joining us, so if you haven’t called to let us know you’re coming yet, call us at 519-676-9200 and let us know!

This past week was the first of the Information Seminars that we are hosting here at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home.  These seminars are not a sneaky way to get you to pre-arrange your funeral; rather it’s about building relationships, building trust and educating. 

A few weeks ago I said that one of the questions for Jason Mallory of Kerr, Wood & Mallory would be:  Should I put my home in both mine and my child’s name so that when I die, the home will automatically become the child’s and thereby avoid paying probate tax?

Here’s what we learned:  Probate taxes are on average 1.5% of the value of the estate.  If you have a house worth $200,000 then the probate tax on that portion would be $3000.

Here is a true story:  A caller to a radio call-in show talked about a financial disaster she endured.  Her husband had died leaving the home to her.  Her friend told her that she should put her house in both her and her sons name to avoid the probate.  She went to one lawyer who advised her against it citing possible divorce or bankruptcy.  She went to a second lawyer who did transfer half of the interest in her home to her son. 

About a year later, a reversal of fortune in her son’s business destroyed it and exposed him to large personal debts forcing him to declare personal bankruptcy.  Before long, the lady received a letter from the lawyer who acted for her son’s trustee in bankruptcy.  The letter explained that the trustee now owned her son’s half of the home because of the bankruptcy and demanded payment for his half interest of the home.  The letter stated that she could buy the half of the home that was now owned by the trustee.  If not, she was warned that he could force the sale of the entire home and would then split the proceeds with her. 

The caller says that she cannot reverse the destruction of her financial security.  She said that she no longer talks to her son or to the friend who gave her the advice anymore.  Her last comment was “Don’t be naïve like me”.

Our next Information Session will be on October 25^th on “Planning Ahead”.

Twenty seven years ago yesterday Gail and I were on the Maternity Ward of the Public General Hospital in Chatham awaiting the birth of our second child.  We had been there for awhile when the doctor told me that I should go down to the cafeteria to get some supper because it would be some time before the baby would arrive.  I just sat down in the cafeteria when I heard my name paged over the p.a. system.  I went back up, got my gown on and opened the door of the delivery room to hear “it’s a boy”.  I can just imagine Darrell hearing the doctor saying it would be some time yet and him thinking “wanna bet?”  With sheer determination, our son mastered many things before his time.  At three years old when we were building a new house he talked the plumber into taking the training wheels off his bike and off he went.  When he was still very young, he would wait on the front step for me to come home from work so that I could start the lawnmower and he could cut the grass.  When he was in grade 5 Darrell learned that the Royal Bank would deposit the first $5 for kids when they opened an account, so he left school one lunch hour, opened an account, took the $5 out and bought a hamburger and a milkshake on the way back!  He was so proud of himself that he called me at work!   Three years ago when Darrell had his accident, Gail and I hurried to Chatham knowing that the air ambulance was on standby, waiting to transfer him to London.  When we got to the hospital, he was sitting up in a bed and he called me to bring him home that same night.  He learned over the past couple of years while renovating his house that he has some very good carpentry skills.  I’m a proud dad.  Sure, we’ve had our moments…we’re a normal father and son, but I wouldn’t trade this journey for anything in the world.  Happy Birthday, Gus!   

Love Dad

This month the Blenheim Community Funeral Home will begin its ninth year of serving the community.  It’s hard to believe that eight years have gone by so fast.  I know that I have said this before, but I am truly humbled by the trust and the good will that you have shown to us here.  It is an honour to be able to help you in your time of need.  

I take pride in the fact that because I am the owner of the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, I don’t have to walk the corporate line and I can make my own decisions.   A great compliment given to me this past week was “you have a good spirit and I know that for you, it’s not all about money”.  Thanks Father Greg; I will miss you and wish you well in your new parish. 

I also want to thank the team who have stood beside me throughout the years to make us the best…Audrey Antworth, John Boogaart, Jean Crackel, Patricia deBrouwer, Darrell Eskritt, Rachel Eskritt, Stephen Espie, Paul Hawley, Karen Kuchta, Fred Lachine, Stephanie MacLean, Robbie Mallory, Mary McFadden, Lynn Reed, Jenny Rumble, Jim Sanson, Patti Steveley, Anna Toporowska, Ron Vandehogen, Cathy Wheeler, Ada Wright and my wife Gail and daughters Lynn and Makaila for their constant support and encouragement.  It is because of this dedicated group of people that I can dedicate my time to you.  I am the one who will answer your call at midnight and I am the one who will be close by when you need me most.    

At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, we are happy to be able to give back to the community.  So far this year we have donated books to libraries and schools in memory of loved ones, sponsored the Relay For Life, Trot To The Beach, the Ridgetown Agricultural Society, Blenheim Youth Centre, Blenheim & Community Seniors Centre,  the Blenheim Open, Blenheim Blades, …a time to mourn…, Morpeth Cemetery, provided a scholarship to a high school student,  sponsored a children’s soccer team, a mens baseball team, a ladies baseball team, we rent space on the sign by Tim Hortons for community announcements, we sponsored free skating, I serve on the Boards of the Growing Together Daycares and the Legion Villa, I belong to the Blenheim Optimist Club, the Golden Acres Curling Club and more…because I care.

We’re back!  Makaila and I had a great time on our excursion south of the border before school started.  Sometimes my schedule gets hectic and we don’t get to spend enough father/daughter time together so when we do, I appreciate it a lot! 

A couple of weeks ago I put information in both the Blenheim and Ridgetown Newspapers about three sessions that we will be providing free to anyone who would like to come.  Seating will be limited but I hope to run them again later if there is enough interest.  The first session on September 27^th will include Blenheim’s newest Lawyer, Jason Mallory who joined Kerr, Wood & Mallory.  Jason will talk about estate planning.  Do you know what will happen if you die without a will?  Do you know what will happen if you don’t have a Power of Attorney in place before you need one? 

Have you ever wondered if it would be wise to put your house in both yours and your childs name in an attempt to make it easier to settle your estate and avoid some expenses?  That question was asked to me this week.  While there may be some benefit to it, you have to consider a lot of things.  Consider this:  a parent puts his child’s name on the title of his house so that when he passes away, the house becomes the childs…simple enough?  But what if the child and his spouse end up divorcing before the parent passes away?  That is one of the questions that I know Jason will be asked that night and I know you will have more questions for him. 

Give us a call to reserve your spot at this first information session and come away with some worthwhile information.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about Lynn’s thirtieth birthday.  This week Makaila turned thirteen.  My baby, who is nothing short of a miracle for her mother and I is growing up too fast!  In three more years she might drive a car and in five more years she might be collecting the things that she will need for her first year of University. 

Now, what you won’t realize when you read this musing is how long I have been staring at that first paragraph; how many times I re-read it and how it has made my heart ache.  When Lynn moved away from home, I still had Darrell and Makaila.  When Darrell moved away from home, I still had Makaila.  Although I still have another five years before I may need to face a quiet house, I know that time will pass by too quickly. 

I decided that I need a bucket list…things to do with Makaila in the next five years.  So I called her and said “Makaila, in five years you might be going off to University.  What would be our bucket list of things to do before then?”  And without hesitation she gave me four things:

1.  “To get a Baird letter from school.”

2.  “To go on a cruise.”

3.  “To graduate from High School.”

4.  “To stay as close to you as I am right now.”

 Awwww!  Makaila, moments like that make being your dad the best!!!  I would always tell you “I love you a gazillion, trillion, billion…plus infinity…plus 1!  And you would answer “I love you that much plus one more…I win!”

 Thanks Makaila, for being the person you are.  I’m proud to be your dad.  And really, I’ve always loved you a gazillion, trillion, billion…plus infinity…plus 3!  So there!

So you’ve decided that you would like to pre-pay your funeral expenses…how will your money be invested?  It’s your choice.  As I said last week, there are three different investments offered at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home each with it’s own characteristics: 

 Annuity:

-Pre-arranged funeral can be paid in full or in installments (up to 5 years)

-Growth rate is 3% for ages 0 – 99

-Can be purchased as a “joint first to die” to be used for whomever dies first

-All principal and interest is returned to you on cancellation

-Excess funds can be paid to a beneficiary tax free

 Trust:

-Pre-arranged funeral can be paid in full or in installments

-No interest is paid on time installments for the first 90 days and after that only 1% Interest is paid until it is converted to a certificate

-All principal and interest is returned to you on cancellation

-Growth can change quarterly

-Excess funds are paid to the estate and are taxable

 Insurance:

-Pre-arranged funeral can be paid in full or in installments up to age 75 (up to 10 years)

-If paid in full, the purchaser (depending on age) is entitled to a discount

-Growth rates are 3% for age 0 – 70 and 2.5% for age 71 – 85

 -Can be purchased as a “joint first to die” to be used for whomever dies first

-If paid in full and cancelled, the premium paid is reimbursed but if paid on a time pay, the cash surrender value is paid

-If paid over time and death occurs within 24 months, the death benefit may equal to all payments plus 10% but after 24 months the death benefit is the full funeral amount plus growth.

-Excess funds can be paid to a beneficiary tax free.

 There really are good points for any type of investment, but the choice is yours.  For more information, don’t hesitate to call.

Last week I wrote about pre-planning a Funeral Service for yourself or for someone whose affairs you have been entrusted with.  I ended it with the statement that there is no obligation to pre-pay your funeral expenses but that there are some advantages if you do. 

The benefit of pre-paying funeral expenses is that your executors will not have to pay any additional money for the services that have been guaranteed.  This is how it works:  if I prepay my funeral today, that money will be invested.  If I die in twenty years, the Funeral Home would figure out what the cost of the same services are at that time.  Theoretically there will be enough money plus interest to cover the cost of the services at that time.  If there’s not enough to cover the costs, then the Funeral Home will absorb the loss.  If there is too much money, then my estate will be entitled to the difference.  And as long as the invested money is used to pay funeral expenses, the interest that has been earned is not subject to income tax. 

There are different types of investments that we offer at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home.  And it’s important to note that the money you invest does not get paid to the Funeral Home until after the person for whom the pre-arrangement is for has died.  If you were to choose that your money would be placed into a trust fund or into an annuity, that money remains your money and if you ever choose to withdrawl your pre-arrangement, the original deposit plus all of the interest that it has accumulated would be returned to you.  Another choice that you have would be to purchase insurance to cover your funeral expenses.  However, if you were to cash in an insurance policy ahead of time then you would receive a cash value which may be less than what you paid.  I will explain more of these points in the next couple of weeks.

What are the reasons that I would pre-arrange my own funeral?  First, I would want to help my family by answering some questions that they might not know the answers to.  I’m pretty sure my kids know my Mom’s maiden name but I’m also pretty sure they don’t know where she or my Dad were born.  If I don’t write some things down for them, they’ll have to go searching.  

Next, what do my kids know about my final wishes?  Burial vs. cremation?  Do I want to be buried in Blenheim or Ridgetown?  If I opt for cremation, do I want to purchase an urn or use the container that comes from the crematorium?  Do I want my cremated remains interred in the ground, inurned in one of the new columbariums or scattered?  Do I want to have a traditional service or do I want something simple that won’t include using the Funeral Home?  Would I want to have a clergy perform a service and who would it be?  Which newspapers would I want an obituary placed in?  Would I want wood or steel casket?  Would I want to rent or purchase?  Is there any special music that I want to have played or anything that I would want to have said?  Questions, questions, questions!

I think that my family talks more about funerals than some, because it’s a big part of our lives.  However, if I made up a list of multiple choice questions about my wishes and handed one to each of my kids, their answers would vary greatly.  And so what would happen if four strong willed people had to make those final decisions together?  It’s called conflict and it hurts families.  I don’t want that to happen.   

A pre-arranged funeral plan is a good thing.  If you aren’t comfortable coming to the Funeral Home, I can come to you.  A pre-arranged funeral plan can stop when all of the questions are answered and there’s no obligation to pre-pay although there are some advantages if you do.

Last week there was a very special day for us.  Our first born child, the girl who made me a dad in the first place and then the grandfather of two beautiful boys turned thirty.  Yes Lynn, I told the world how old you are.  You said that it was just another day to you but what you don’t understand yet is how proud you will be when you look at your children in thirty years and can honestly say “this has been the best experience of my life”.  That’s how I feel right now.  When you were little you used to call me “Marc”.  My friends would say “did she just call you Marc?” and with a big smile I would say “yes she did”.  That kind of bothered your mother because she thought when people seen us in a store and you referred to us as Marc and Mom, they would think we weren’t married but I thought it was pretty cool. 

I always thought that I would write a letter to my children for somebody to read at my funeral; not to make people cry, but I wanted the world to know how proud I am of you, Darrell and Makaila.  I decided that I can’t wait until then.   

You’ve grown up to be a kind and caring person, a friend, a daughter, a nurse, a sister, a wife and a mother.  I couldn’t be more proud of you.  I see that you enjoy being a parent as much as I do.  Savour the moments with those boys.  Do crazy things with them on the spur of the moment, make them laugh, read them books, go camping in the basement and when they’re old enough, stay up late with them and watch Saturday Night Live because it will seem like the blink of an eye when you will be sitting down to write this letter to them. 

So here’s to the last thirty years Lynn’n and the next thirty too.  For ever and for always I’ll love you like crazy!

I have always felt that one of my jobs as a Funeral Director is to do whatever I can do to take some of the burden off families when a loved one dies.  Between the time my Mom died and her funeral I felt like I lived in my car because there were so many errands to do and so many things to take care of in such a short time…I was lucky that I had experience and didn’t have to go looking.  But what happened was I was absent for my family when they needed me most. 

When families choose the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, our home becomes their home and they become our boss.  We do whatever we can to make them comfortable and to tend to what needs to be done so that they can do what they need to do and that is to be close to family and to grieve.  And it doesn’t stop there.  After a Funeral Service there are many things that need to be done; Canada Pension Forms need to be submitted, government identifications need to be returned, credit cards need to be cancelled etc. etc.  We have ALWAYS helped ALL families with these tasks at no extra charge.  At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, it doesn’t matter what level of services that you purchase; we see it as our responsibility to help everyone. 

We also have a CARE Guide that we give to each family that has valuable information for executors or anyone who is involved in settling an estate.  It has explanations of the things that need to be taken care of after a person dies and how to go about doing it.  There are phone numbers for Pension Plans and credit card companies, information on how to obtain Certified Copies of Provincial Death Certificates, etc. etc.  These books are available to anyone, regardless of who your Funeral Service provider was.  Just drop by and pick one up or call and we can mail one out to you. 

At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, we DO help.

It was the last day of school and Makaila was safety patrolling so I knew that she would be later than usual.  But when she came into my office and I didn’t hear the official “hooray, school is done” I looked up.  Something was wrong.  “Dad, I cried so much at school today” were the words she said.  I asked her what was wrong and she could hardly get it out before she burst into tears again.  “Mr. V is leaving”. 

Mr. V (the abbreviated form of Mr. Vermeersch) was Makaila’s grade 7 teacher.  He was a cool teacher, one who had the ability to mix education with enthusiasm and humour, making it easier for students to learn.  He was the kind of teacher that Makaila would never complain about even on the days when the kids pushed him too hard…she knew that if he got mad, it was a right that he had earned.  Makaila has had great experiences all through public school and grade 7 was no exception.  But the news that day that Mr. V would be the new Vice Principal at Harwich Raleigh Public School brought tears…the girls cried, the boys cried and the grade 6 students were mad because he wouldn’t be their teacher next year.  What happened that last day of school was that the kids, some for the first time, experienced grief.  They had experienced love and now they had experienced loss.  And it hurt (or in my daughter’s words, “it sucked”).

As I held Makaila in my arms, I hurt that she hurt.  I tried to find the right words to say; something that would make sense of it all but there was little consolation.  Someday she’ll smile when she looks back and remembers the good times and the good friends she made in grade 7, including Mr V. but until then, he’ll be missed. 

Congratulations, Mr. V.  When I think of all the people who have made a difference in my daughter’s life, I’ll think of you.  Harwich Raleigh has gained a great V.P.

I received a lot of positive comments on last week’s “Life in the Sandbox” musing.  Two common things I heard were “never underestimate the power of having children around you” and “you’re never too old to play”.  It reminded me of an e-mail that one of my friends sent me a long time ago entitled “My Official Resignation”.

“I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.  I have decided that I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.  I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.  I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.  I want to think M&M’s are better than money because you can eat them. 

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.  I want to return to a time when life was simple…when all you knew were colours, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes and that didn’t bother you because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.  All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair, that everyone is honest and good.  I want to believe that anything is possible.  I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.  So…here’s my cheque book, my car keys and my credit card bills.  I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first cause,

Tag!  You’re it!

I don’t know if I’ve ever written about life in the sandbox before, but after supper on Father’s Day the sandbox is where I found myself enjoying time with my grandsons Lucas and Graham.  As Oprah might say, it was an “aha moment” for me. 

The memories of my childhood sandbox are nothing but good.  Part of the sand there was contained by a big tractor tire while the rest of it flowed around a tree that held our swing.  I would use the flat side of a hoe to make smooth roads in the sand that I would drive my toy cars on.  Sometimes I would mix sand and water to make mud, forming it into the shape of donuts and then I would sprinkle dry sand on the top for decoration.  When my cousins came over to play in the summertime, the sandbox is where we spent a lot of our time.  My cousin Brian was probably the easiest person to play in the sandbox with because we liked different cars and we never fought over wanting the same one. 

I made sure that my own children experienced life in the sandbox and although Lynn and Makaila enjoyed their times there, Darrell was the one who was most like me…he was the stereotypical boy with cars and trucks and tractors to play with out there.   

Tonight was a lesson for me. While Graham was happy to sift sand through his hand and move toys around, and while Lucas pretended lots of things that involved sand castles, deep holes and finding treasures, I realized that my cares drifted away and I enjoyed life for the moment that I was in.   It was the best Father’s Day present ever! 

Won’t Gail be surprised when she comes home to find half of the back yard turned into a giant sandbox!  And Cousin Brian…you’ll be the first person I invite over to play in it!

Let me tell you about a good Samaritan who lives amongst us…a lady, who through an unfortunate experience of her own is making a difference in the lives of others.  Sharon Craner who lives in Blenheim has been crocheting outfits for premature babies and donating them to the hospital for some time now because of a special place she has in her heart for children.  And now Sharon’s good deeds are continuing beyond the hospital.  Because she understands the pain of losing a child, Sharon has donated a number of baby outfits to the Blenheim Community Funeral Home so that we in turn can offer them to families who have experienced a perinatal loss.  Thank you so much, Sharon.  Your thoughtfulness is appreciated and will continue to be appreciated in the future.  

I have written before about positive changes that are being made in helping families who experience perinatal losses.  It’s important for you to understand that although a child is not considered to be stillborn until the twentieth week of gestation or if the child’s weight is over 500 grams, there are options available to you if that criteria is not met…you can still give your child a name, you can still have a dignified service and you can still have an interment.  And because of the efforts of people like Sharon Craner and the wonderful staff at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home who continue to care that much more, we are able to waive our fees for children’s funerals.  I understand that this is a difficult topic to read about, but parents who I have helped are relieved when they find out that they do have options and it’s information that needs to be shared.  I will include an evening to talk about this in the fall when we start our monthly seminars.  In the meantime, if you have any questions don’t hesitate to call.

Yesterday was my dad’s birthday…he is 80 years young this year.  My dad was raised across the road from where our farm would be on the 7^th concession of Howard Township just outside Ridgetown.  He was a farmer just like his dad was a farmer.  My generation that broke that cycle since none of my siblings or myself stayed on the farm.  We do however share the values that were instilled in us by our parents; that work comes before play and that patience is a virtue.  We were raised on a dairy farm so it meant seven days of work each week and much planning and preparation for the seasons to come, the same way that it is with life, that we prepare or are prepared for future days and events.  Who knew that many good life lessons and personality traits could come from gathering eggs and milking cows? 

My dad has seen many changes since his youth.  I think that my favourite story that he told me was one that Luke and Ellen would take the kids into town on a Friday night and give them a nickel to spend.  Albert, my dad’s younger brother took him into a store and they sat at the counter.  Dad took a sip of the drink that Albert had bought and all of the sudden it started coming out his nose…that was my dad’s first encounter with a soda pop!    

My dad may have retired  and moved from the farm but he is still busy.  He volunteers his time with C.H.A.P.S. and makes sure that folks in Ridgetown get to where they need to be.  He has taken up travelling and will head out west later this summer on one of his longest trips away from home.  And in the meantime, he’s still there for us whenever we need a ride, or something fixed or just some good old fashioned advice.  Regardless of the technological advances that we continue to make in life, nothing can really replace wisdom.  Happy Birthday, Dad!

I woke up this morning with one of those “hard to describe” feelings until I looked at the calendar and realized that it was thirty three years ago today that my sister Bev died. No wonder I’ve been thinking about her so much lately. I guess there are things that become so deeply ingrained in our souls that regardless of where we are or what we are doing, we always remember. I was twenty one years old at the time and my best friend Joe came to Waterloo with me so that I could see Bev before an operation that would honour her request to donate organs. I met Al on a hospital patio where he was talking to a clergy and learned that I was too late… recipients had been found and Bev was in surgery. I remember talking normally and wondering how tears could be running down my face… it was like I had no control. After the surgery I had the chance to see Bev. As we walked down the hallway, Joe on one side of me and the clergy on the other, I couldn’t feel my legs move. Bev had been returned to a hospital bed with the head end raised as though she was sitting up a bit. Nobody had warned me that when you die, your muscles relax making your eyes and your mouth open. That startled me and I didn’t go past the door.

I remember at home getting into the truck and going to school to pick up Barb who was 12 at the time and Marvin who was 8. Marvin was mad because it was Track & Field day. He said “why do I have to go home” and I sternly replied “because that’s what people do”. Today I would have let him stay. We had the same kind of funeral for Bev that everybody else had and that was okay because it was what people did then. But one thing that has always bothered me is that for whatever reason, the person in that casket didn’t look like my sister. I understand more now.

Those events, thirty three years ago have influenced who I am today… it has made me care more and it has instilled in me the desire to go above and beyond to help others.

It’s not uncommon for people to transfer their pre-arranged funeral plans from one Funeral Home to another, but what are some of the reasons that people have transferred their pre-arranged funeral plans to the Blenheim Community Funeral Home?

-          Their original arrangements were made a long time ago and they have changed their mind as to which Funeral Home they would like to use

-          Their original arrangements were made in the city they lived in at the time but no longer have ties to 

-          They found more value when they transferred their pre-arranged funds to a different Funeral Home.  (Would you invest $10,000.00 and never review how it is doing?)

If you are the owner of a pre-arranged funeral and wish to transfer it to the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, it is as simple as visiting us with your existing paperwork and making your wishes known.  

If you have Power of Attorney for someone and your wish is that his/her pre-arranged funeral be transferred to the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, it is as simple as visiting us with your power of attorney and existing paperwork and making your wishes known.

If you’re at a hospital or nursing home and wish that your loved one’s funeral service would be held at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home instead of the Funeral Home where a pre-arrangement is held, you as the executor can make that decision.  Simply tell whoever will make the initial call which Funeral Home you wish to use and they will follow your direction.  If it is you who will make that call, follow your heart. 

While some Funeral Homes may charge a cancellation fee when you transfer your pre-arranged funeral, we do not.  In fact, if you are charged that fee by another Funeral Home, we will reimburse it to you.

If your pre-arranged funds are being held in trust, those funds belong to you.  If your pre-arranged funds are invested into an insurance policy, you can simply change the beneficiary from one Funeral Home to another.  It’s that simple.  If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to call.

In 2010 the Blenheim Community Funeral Home launched a program that would see a book donated in memory of each family who we have had the privilege of helping.  Our goal is to assist and educate people not just during a funeral, but for the rest of their lives.  Each family is asked for their input as to a title or subject of a book and a location to donate the book.  The following is a list of books that we have donated so far this year:

I’m experiencing grandchild withdrawl…Lynn, Rachel, Lucas and Graham left early Monday morning to check out the sights at Disney World in Florida.  Lucas called me last week to see if I would come and feed the fish every day and I told him that I would.  On Sunday after supper when he was leaving to go home he gave me a hug and a kiss and said “try not to miss me too much, Papa”.  I said I would try, but it didn’t last long because I always miss him as soon as he leaves the driveway.  But he promised me that he would take lots of pictures and that he’d bring me back a surprise.  So hurry home, best friend…I miss you like crazy!!

 The Blenheim Relay For Life will be held this year on Friday June 3^rd at 7 p.m. until Saturday June 4 at 7 a.m.  Once again, the Blenheim Community Funeral Home is proud to be the Luminary Sponsor of this event.  Anyone wishing to purchase a luminary can stop by the Funeral Home anytime.  The cost of a luminary is $5.00 and can be made in memory or in honour of someone.  You can include a message on your luminary if you wish.  I remember how deeply it touched me the first time I seen a luminary with my Mom’s name on it.  Many of our lives have been affected in some way by cancer and that alone can give us the drive to fight back.  Being part of a team is one way of participating in the Relay but even if you aren’t a part of a team you can still come out and show your support.  Makaila and I walked a few laps on our own last year and took some time to remember many of the people whose names we seen on luminaries.  This year we will do the same. 

 In addition to the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, community supporters of the 2011 Relay For Life include Sun Life Financial as the Event Sponsor, Thompsons as the Survivor Sponsor, The Money Broker as the Food Sponsor and The Blenheim News Tribune as the Media Sponsor.

Doors Open Chatham-Kent is scheduled for Saturday May 7, 2011 from 10 a.m. until 4 p.m. and this year we are proud to be a part of this annual event.  Similar to an Open House, all areas of the Funeral Home will be open for visitors to wander through and ask questions if they want.  Also we will welcome Dixie Peters and volunteers from “…a time to mourn…” which is the Bereavement Program that the Blenheim Community Funeral Home supports that helps people who are grieving.  “…a time to mourn…” is a service that is provided free of charge to those who participate and began under the Ministerial Association.  To help with keeping the program running, the volunteers are busy baking goods that will be available through a bake sale when you come to the Funeral Home. 

The day after Doors Open is Mother’s Day.  When I was a kid, we wore flowers to church on Mother’s Day.   Wearing a coloured flower signified that your mother was alive and wearing a white flower signified that your mother had deceased.  And so, we will have flowers and balloons here for you.  Release a balloon if you wish or take a flower with you to wear in honour of your Mom.   

Other stops in Blenheim will include Glad Tidings Church and the Moderwell House.  Glad Tidings Church is home to many community events, one of my favourites being the outdoor movies in the summertime and the Canada Day celebrations.  The Moderwell House is a newly completed Heritage House Resource Centre and Museum that is operated through the Historical Society of Blenheim & District and has benefited from many hours of volunteers to become a reality…a must to see!

I am excited that our good friends Dan and Anne Houle from the Alexander Funeral Home in Chatham will be showcased in this year’s Doors Open.  As you will remember, the Alexander Funeral Home was devastated by a fire in 2009 and after many hours of hard work Dan and Anne are ready to open their doors again.  I toured the Funeral Home last week and am very excited for them.  Chatham-Kent’s newest Funeral Home which is all on one level is absolutely beautiful.  Make sure to visit them too!

Last week I went to a seminar in Waterloo on funeral pre-planning.  Seminars like the one I attended are sponsored by Funeral Homes with two hopes: firstly that the seminar will raise your awareness of the benefits of preplanning a funeral and secondly that you will pre-plan at some point with the host Funeral Home.  In addition to the presentation made by the Funeral Home, there are usually a couple of other speakers; maybe a Lawyer and a Financial Planner who attest to the benefit of pre-planning and give their advice on other estate matters.

In the past I haven’t been a huge fan of these seminars but the one I attended in Waterloo was different…it was interesting, it wasn’t pushy, the food was great and aside from the gas to get there, it was free…in fact, they all are.  Sometimes Funeral Homes put FREE in bold and capital letters on the mail out invitations just to get your attention!  At any rate, I came away from this seminar with a good feeling that I should do the same.  I’ve already started to work on getting everything in order and I will announce the details soon.  I promise that it won’t be pushy, I promise that it will be interesting, I promise that we will have some great food and I promise that it will be FREE!  So, even if you’ve been to a Funeral Home seminar recently or even if you’re not interested in pre-planning right now, come out anyways because if you do decide to preplan some day you’ll be able to make better informed decisions 

Last week I went to a seminar in Waterloo on funeral pre-planning.  Seminars like the one I attended are sponsored by Funeral Homes with two hopes: firstly that the seminar will raise your awareness of the benefits of preplanning a funeral and secondly that you will pre-plan at some point with the host Funeral Home.  In addition to the presentation made by the Funeral Home, there are usually a couple of other speakers; maybe a Lawyer and a Financial Planner who attest to the benefit of pre-planning and give their advice on other estate matters.

In the past I haven’t been a huge fan of these seminars but the one I attended in Waterloo was different…it was interesting, it wasn’t pushy, the food was great and aside from the gas to get there, it was free…in fact, they all are.  Sometimes Funeral Homes put FREE in bold and capital letters on the mail out invitations just to get your attention!  At any rate, I came away from this seminar with a good feeling that I should do the same.  I’ve already started to work on getting everything in order and I will announce the details soon.  I promise that it won’t be pushy, I promise that it will be interesting, I promise that we will have some great food and I promise that it will be FREE!  So, even if you’ve been to a Funeral Home seminar recently or even if you’re not interested in pre-planning right now, come out anyways because if you do decide to preplan some day you’ll be able to make better informed decisions

I want to talk one more time about my trip to Toronto.  Perinatal Bereavement Services of Ontario (PBSO) is doing a lot of work behind the scenes to increase the awareness of the challenges that are faced when a pregnancy doesn’t go the way that it should.  They are a source of knowledge for parents, nurses, doctors, social workers and yes, funeral directors.  I have their contact information here at the Funeral Home if you ever need it.  I have always had a special place in my heart for children and I want to be the best that I can be.  I have always thought that parents who lose children are young themselves and may not be in a place financially to cover the expenses of a funeral service and for that reason, the Blenheim Community Funeral Home waives the fees of children’s funerals.  The caring staff that work here waive their wages when a child dies, the crematorium we work with also waives their fees for children and the Blenheim News Tribune and the Ridgetown Independent do not charge for newspaper notices at any time.  It’s all a part of caring and I think that’s something we do well here. 

And finally, my trip to Toronto wouldn’t have been the time of my life if it wasn’t for the company of my very own daughter Makaila.  She loves the time when it’s just the two of us and so do I.  We ate some good food, we of course went window shopping and we spent some time in Chapters which is Makaila’s second favourite store now next to Sephora’s which sells make-up (yes, she is going to be a teenager this year).  We were lazy and ordered room service one night for snack and we travelled down the freeway at rush hour which made us really happy that we live in a small town.  Makaila was just amazed that there would be three levels of roads at the same time which also had collectors lanes, express lanes, entrance and exit ramps…sometimes 12 lanes of cars at once.  So, thanks for the company Makaila…let’s go exploring again sometime, maybe someplace less hectic and yes, I’ll stop at Sephora’s just for you!

I’m back from Toronto with a heightened respect for what Moms and Dads go through when a pregnancy doesn’t end the way that it should.  I don’t remember being worried when we were having our children that something might go wrong; maybe it was the ignorance of not knowing the things that could go wrong or maybe I was too excited to let those thoughts ruin my dreams.  Today that would be different.  The most powerful part of this course was when a panel of parents told us their own stories of how, in one millisecond their dreams were shattered. 

The point that was stressed most in this course was that families need time to be with a baby who is born still…Moms, Dads, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and grandparents may all be a part of that family.  And from what I have learned, all hospitals have cameras on hand so that they can take pictures; either a nurse will take pictures or give the camera to the family so that they can take their own.  Some hospitals have enlisted the services of photographers who specialize in capturing moments that in the past have slipped by.  And while some may be surprised that pictures are taken, I will tell you this…years ago I helped out an elderly woman who was born in the late 1800’s.  When she died I cleaned out her house and I came across many pictures of babies who had died…not this woman’s children since she had none, but babies of other people.  Those pictures would be 100 years old now and it shows that at one time taking pictures was exactly what we did.  Since then maybe we went through a time when we separated life and death and thought that pictures wouldn’t let us move forward, so we stopped taking them.  But now we’re listening to our hearts. 

At one time if there even was a funeral for a stillborn baby, the casket would have been closed but today that has changed too.  I will always remember reading a note that someone wrote in a register book…it said “thank you for the privilege of being able to see your beautiful son”.  To me, that said it all.

As I write this weeks Musings, I have confirmed my hotel in Toronto and as you are reading this, I am in the second day of Perinatal Bereavement Training.  This course made available through the Perinatal Bereavement Services of Ontario combines insight, knowledge and experience to promote the skills necessary to interact with families experiencing a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, medical termination, stillbirth or neonatal death.  I am taking this course because I want to be the best that I can be.  I want to help others as much as I can.  As a former Chaplain participant said “It was so helpful to hear directly from parents what helped them, and embarrassing to hear some of the hurtful things we say and do that we thought were helping”. 

My sister Beverley lost her first child through miscarriage when she lived in Bermuda.  It was Thanksgiving and Jennifer answered the phone…it was Al and I could tell by Jen’s voice that something was wrong.  Beverley was a nurse and she worked at the same hospital in Bermuda where she went the night before because she knew that something was wrong with the baby.  Bev called a nurse for help because she knew that she shouldn’t be getting up.  The nurse looked at her and said “I’m sorry, you lost your baby last night”.  Bev said that she looked at Al, and Al looked at her and they cried.  And that’s all that I ever knew about the child that my sister dreamed of and had affectionately nicknamed “Baby Pumpkin”.

When I first started working in Funeral Service, it was common for new Moms to stay in a hospital for five days even if her child was stillborn.  I can’t imagine how devastating it would have been to share a room with other Moms who were holding their babies.  And for some reason, society felt that it would be easier on Moms if stillborn babies were buried before she left the hospital.  To this day I hear stories from mothers who don’t know where their babies were buried.

How could we have ever let that happen?

At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home we do whatever we can to make a difficult life event easier for you.  Here are some things to keep in mind:

-           At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home we understand that it may take up to 8 weeks before you will receive money from CPP benefits and Life Insurance Policies and we are willing to work with you in terms of paying for Funeral expenses.  Some Funeral Homes start calculating interest if you haven’t paid within one month.  We don’t. 

-           At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, we allow you to include cemetery charges on your Funeral Account.  If you are faced with having to buy a cemetery plot when a loved one dies,  some Funeral Homes will make you pay that as well as the opening/closing of the grave and registration fees up front before the day of your loved one’s funeral service.   For a double grave plus one opening/closing in a Municipally operated cemetery, you would need to come up with $4209.71 in a very short time. 

-          At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, we allow you to charge flowers and funeral luncheons to your Funeral Account so that you are not overwhelmed with all of those expenses all at once.

-          At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home we accept debit cards and credit cards…yes, folks do pay their Funeral Accounts with credit cards.  Debit cards are difficult since there are daily limits imposed on them between $500.00 to $1000.00 per day and although one time authorizations can be made through banks, it’s easier to write a cheque.   The reality is in this day and age with the rewards that Credit Card companies offer, it might make sense to use your credit card and then pay that off.  You can use debit cards and credit cards to make memorial donations and credit cards can also be used to make monthly payments for pre-arranged funerals. 

At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, we do help.

A few years ago I took Lynn and Darrell who were probably 12 and 10 at the time to Newfoundland to visit my friends from college.  We flew from Toronto to Montreal and then from Montreal to New Brunswick where we boarded a plane that my friend Max would describe as a “Bush Pilot” to our final destination of Deer Lake, Nfld.  The Bush Pilot’s plane held 12 passengers and wasn’t as smooth as the jets we had been on.  It was on that last stretch of the flight that Lynn developed an inner ear problem and was almost in tears because she couldn’t get her ears to pop.  Darrell was nervous in that plane because there was more turbulence than the jets and he was also concerned for Lynn.  I was between the two of them, trying to make everything better.  When we landed in Deer Lake and started to depart the plane a lady came up to me and told me that she had been watching me.  “You are a wonderful father” she said; “you’re the kind of father that everyone should have.  I wish that I could have had a father like you, but I didn’t”.  That was one of the biggest compliments that anyone has ever said to me.  And I’m not telling you that to blow my own horn (even though I am pretty proud of it).  Instead, it meant so much to me that she thought I was a great dad that I have passed  compliments on to other dads over the years. 

On Sunday I went to Church in Ridgetown with my own dad.  In front of us there was a family with two children.  As the dad held his daughter in his arms, it was clear how much he loved her.  He held her close and every once in awhile he would bend over and kiss her on the top of her head…he was just a natural.  And it was obvious that the little girl felt safe and comfortable in daddy’s arms.  That dad is one of the dads that I would have passed a compliment on to, but I didn’t have the chance.  Maybe somebody will though.  Maybe somebody will read this and know exactly who he is because they thought the same thing too…what a good dad.

I have a soft spot in my heart for children which is why I have enjoyed being a Dad, a Papa and a Foster Dad so much.  When we almost lost our son, I realized that nothing in life hurts as deeply as losing a child.  All those times that I had met with parents to make funeral arrangements and thought that I knew a little bit of what they were going through were quickly dispelled.  Although Darrell is well today, that one moment in time has left a footprint that can never be erased.  It was then that I made a vow to myself that I would learn more about how I can help grieving families who do experience the loss of a child.   

I have the opportunity to take a two day course at the end of March through the Perinatal Bereavement Society of Ontario.  PBSO is a non-profit charity that provides bereavement support to families who have experienced a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, medical termination, stillbirth or neonatal death and undertakes educational programs for professionals and the public.  

At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home we’ve tried to be proactive when it comes to children.  We waive our charges when a child dies.  When we built the Funeral Home we included a Kid’s Room so that children can be comfortable while they are a part of a life changing event that surrounds them.   But even those two things are not enough.  Regardless of anything that we make Funeral Homes to be, unless we can give the help that truly comes from our hearts then we’ve defeated our purpose.  I want to be the best that I can be and to do that I will continue to learn.

So it’s off to Toronto I will go and of course I will have Makaila by my side.  We didn’t get to do anything on Family Day because of the weather so we will take this opportunity to create another memory in our Father/Daughter book of life.

I’ve talked about the “rubber stamp” funerals of days gone by and how much change I’ve seen in the last thirty years.  Last year when I was in Toronto I listened to a Funeral Director talk about his job becoming just as much an “Event Planner” as a “Funeral Director” and that would be confirmed in some of the recent articles that I have read.  Across the border in Indianapolis, a Funeral Home has taken the name of a “Community Life Centre” and hired a Special Events Coordinator.  They now have ninety-nine weddings booked which will take them into 2012.  As one bride to be was quoted:  “At first, when I pulled up and saw it was a funeral home, it did concern me.  But when we walked in and saw everything, it was overwhelming.  I fell in love and thought it was the perfect place, so the funeral home aspect didn’t cross my mind again”. 

In London England, the lack of cemetery space and income is becoming an issue.  One of the cemeteries there is proposing to open a flower shop, a restaurant, an online records service and an area where pets could be commemorated to increase its income.  As well, they are seeking approval for new methods such as cryomation, promession and resomation.  “In cryomation and promession, liquid nitrogen is used to chill the body to -196 degrees until it is so brittle that it can be crushed, cleaned and freeze-dried to remove moisture ahead of composting.  No smoke, no pollution.  In resomation, which has already been licensed in some parts of the United States, the body is submerged in an alkali solution which, at 160 degrees dissolves it in about three hours, leaving behind a green-brown liquid and a white dust”.

There’s a part of me that wants to pull back the reigns and say slow down, but I’m sure that’s probably the same reaction that a lot of people had when cremation was first introduced and now that’s the option that 40% us will choose.  Who knows what the next thirty years will bring…

By the time you read this weeks musings, Family Day will have passed.  I was wondering the other day why it’s the third Monday in February that is recognized as Family Day and I decided (for me anyways) that it’s an appreciated push in the middle of winter to get out and have some fun with the kids.  And so I will leave the cold and the snow behind, if only for awhile and do something crazy to break the monotony of the season and raise everybody’s spirits.  It brings back a memory of when Lynn and Darrell were young and one Saturday in the wintertime we got up and decided to see how far south we could drive in a day.  We made it to Lexington Kentucky where we spent the night and then headed down into Tennessee the next morning to see the Smokey Mountains before heading back home.  Most people would think that was a crazy thing to do, and it was…but it was fun and I would do it all over again. 

Since I am trying to beat an early deadline for the paper, I am writing this musings three days before Family Day.  I don’t know what we’re going to do on Monday but I’ll probably use the element of surprise again because it will make our venture exciting and memorable. 

Gail and I are fortunate that our family has remained close.  I remember when Lynn talked about going to college in Toronto and Darrell talked about moving out west and getting a job… I would have supported them but I would have missed them terribly.  And now that I’m a grandfather I can’t imagine the boys living at the other end of the country or even in another country.  We’re not done raising children so I’m sure there will be a few more times that we will have to face the possibility of a distance between the kids and us, but hopefully it won’t be too great.  It reminds me of something I once read…”you can travel all over the world to find what whatever it is you need but then you come home and find it”.

This is part two of my musings on funeral lunches…I was worried last week that you might think I was downplaying funeral lunches but the feedback that I received said the opposite.  To have or not have a funeral lunch is just one of the many options that I will review with you when you are making funeral arrangements.

When Jim and I were planning the Funeral Home, the second part of the conversation we had about funeral lunches was that we would provide the opportunity for families to have a lunch here at the Funeral Home if that is what they wanted and that we would also provide the food if that is what they wanted.  However, we made a conscious decision that we would not become competition to those individuals or groups or facilities that already provide those services.  That decision was affirmed to me when Annie Timmermans gave me a tour of the new St. Mary’s Hall and again last week when Gail and I went to the dinner at the Golf Course…those businesses provide funeral lunches and they need to be successful too because when businesses are successful, communities are successful. 

There are a lot of ways to have a funeral lunch and I’ve seen many of them (except for the hotdogs over the bonfire that you’ll get at my funeral).  And since we allow families to charge everything on their funeral account, I see what funeral lunches cost.  If you are a Veteran, the Blenheim Legion will provide your funeral lunch at no cost.  Following that, Church groups provide the most inexpensive lunches, generally because the food is donated by members.  Some churches charge $4.00 per person for lunches.  Some churches save the grocery receipts that we pay for and then make a donation to the church group if that is the family’s wish…that may cost around $5.00 per person plus the donation.  Finally, I have paid between $7.00 and $11.00 to have a caterer provide a funeral lunch.  The choice is yours.

I often talk about my sister Bev and how her death was a defining moment in my life when I would seriously contemplate becoming a Funeral Director.  I talk about rubber stamp funerals and how we have broken away from them to make a Funeral Service whatever it is that we need it to be.  I talk about the fact that I will do whatever is in my power to make a Funeral Service a true reflection of a life lived and at the same time respect a family’s own physical, spiritual, emotional and financial needs.  When we built the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, Jim and I had many discussions about how we could best meet those needs and how we could incorporate some solutions in the physical structure that we were building.  We talked about some of the changes that future days might bring and we did some contingency planning that would allow us to change with the times. 

One of the discussions that Jim and I had was about funeral lunches.  A recent survey showed that the percentage of funerals being followed by a luncheon is greater in the Western provinces than in Ontario and that we have a higher percentage than the Eastern provinces do, which have an average of just over 50% of funerals having a luncheon.  Sometimes I see families struggling with the question of whether a funeral luncheon is something that they want to do or something that they are obligated to do. 

When my sister died, her daughter was 20 months old and her son was 4 months old.  When I walked into the church after the funeral for the luncheon, I stepped inside the door and then turned around and left.  Instead of spending my time there I went home.  Jason was asleep in his crib and so I sat on the step with Wendy…that’s where my heart was.     

If a funeral luncheon is what you want to do, then by all means, do it.  If the thought of it causes you undue grief or undue financial hardship then don’t put yourself through that.  Follow your heart.

A recent survey of Canadians would say that there are not enough options in Funeral Service and if there are options, they are not being communicated well.  With an estimated forty percent cremation rate and a move to what is described as a “simpler but more meaningful service”, it seems that everyone is trying to come up with new ideas.  Last week I read an e-mail that used the word “Cremorials” to describe a memorial service involving cremation.  From music to interchangeable casket corners you can reflect on important parts of a life lived.  You can purchase small urns that match larger urns so that you can keep some cremated remains at home, you can purchase jewelry that holds a token amount of cremated remains and you can purchase jewelry that has a fingerprint or a picture etched into it.    

While I do whatever I can to accommodate a family’s wishes I don’t try to get people to buy things that they don’t need or want.  And while that won’t put me on the cover of Forbes magazine, I hear all the time that people appreciate the fact that I am honest. 

At one time we did have equipment here to scan fingerprints but when I wasn’t selling any of their products I was approached by the company and was encouraged to take the fingerprint and e-mail it to them.  The next step was that they would rush me a piece of jewelry or a keychain and just before the initial family visitation I was supposed to hand it to the oldest child of the family.  That in turn was supposed to make the other children want one and generate sales.  I never did that.  Not only did I think it was wrong, but the Board of Funeral Service holds the position that a Funeral Home should not take anyone’s fingerprint without the permission of the estate trustee.   Eventually the company took their equipment back.  When I do need those kind of services, I help families through a local jeweler.

Thirty years ago today Gail and I were married.  So much has changed since that day…the table we used to set for two now gets set for ten when everybody is home.  I’m a husband, a dad, a father in law and a papa.  My grandson Lucas turned four last week and as I read him a bedtime story he told me that I am his bestest, bestest, bestest friend ever!  Deep down, I hope that a part of me will continue on in him.

Gail and I were married at the Christian Church in Ridgetown and we had a reception at St. Mary’s Hall in Blenheim.  As I sat here reflecting on the years that have passed, I began to think about the church, which was my childhood church and how they are moving forward with a plan to rebuild.  And just as I hope that a part of me will live on in Lucas, I hope that something will carry on from the old church to the new one; something that will form its character. 

I thought about St. Mary’s Hall and how the old hall will soon close.  My good friend Adriaan has been telling us at curling how nice the new hall will be.  A couple of weeks ago Annie Timmermans gave me a personal tour and I can tell you that Adriaan was right.  There has been an enormous amount of planning and work put into transforming St. Mary’s School into St. Mary’s Hall…it’s already beautiful.  I was glad to see the care that went into incorporating the old with the new.  Even some of the pictures that were painted on the walls of the Kindergarten room will remain where they are.  In the years to come, those pictures will bring smiles to the faces of former St. Mary’s students as they return to celebrate life events.

History is a record of events in the life and development of people and institutions and inside the walls of history are memories.  My hat goes off to everyone whose insight would have included preserving memories in your renovations.  I wish you all the best with the new hall.

Last Saturday I went to Rev. Alvin Armstrong’s 100^th birthday party.  I know that the space I have to write one Marc’s Musings cannot begin to list Alvin and Wilma’s life accomplishments let alone the vast number of changes they would have seen in that many years.  I could just imagine that if Alvin was in the same room as I was at a time when I was giving one of my kids the old “when I was a little boy” talk that Alvin himself could turn to me and say “well listen here; when I was a little boy”… and it would be a great story for sure. 

I didn’t make it to the birthday party until the final hour and even then folks were lined up to say hello to Alvin and Wilma.  Everything was well planned and I was happy that we were able to meet their family.  When you arrived, one of their grandchildren opened the door for you.  A couple more grandchildren took coats and assisted with the cans of food that people brought instead of gifts.  Along the wall as you waited were tables with a picture of Alvin in each decade of his life.  I especially liked the 1970’s picture of he and Wilma in their square dancing outfits…the material from Wilma’s dress also made up a part of Alvin’s shirt.  And as we waited in line to see Alvin and Wilma, two more of their grandsons greeted us and asked us how we knew their grandfather.  I’m sure that by the end of the day those two boys would have learned so much about their grandfather that they would have returned home with a lifetime of memories and an even deeper appreciation of a couple who gave so much of themselves.

And Kudo’s to Stan Uher for taking Alvin and Wilma for a ride in the Gray Dort.  When I seen that picture on the front page of the newspaper last week it brought a smile to my face.  What a great guy!

P.S.  Don’t forget the free skate compliments of the Blenheim Community Funeral Home at the Blenheim Arena this Sunday afternoon…January 23^rd from 1:00 – 2:30 p.m.  The hot chocolate is on me!

A frequent question that I am asked is “What if something should happen when we’re on vacation?”.  The truth is that it can become very expensive to bring someone home if he or she dies while on vacation.  Another truth is that many, if not most Funeral Homes offer Guaranteed Travel Assistance Plans that will cover these costs.  The Travel Assistance Plans that we offer here at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home covers expenses if death occurs more than 100 kilometers away from home, anywhere in the world.  It pays for arranging for the preparation and transportation of the deceased to their originally selected Funeral Home, pays covered costs including rising air costs and it handles the necessary documents, including consular services if the death occurs outside of Canada.  The reality is that it could cost your family thousands of dollars in additional fees if you died while on vacation.  Even if you were to pass away in Ottawa there could be hundreds of dollars in additional costs to bring you back home.   

Starting January 1, 2011 the Blenheim Community Funeral Home will be including a Free Travel Assistance Plan with each Prepaid Funeral Service contract that is entered into with us.  That will give one more level of added protection to you and your family.  Once you have a Travel Assistance Plan you are protected for the rest of your life…there are no additional costs to you and no annual fees to pay.  If you ever need to use the coverage, one call is all it takes and the process of getting you home is immediately in progress.

On a more positive Community note…the Blenheim Community Funeral Home is sponsoring a Free Skating Session on Sunday January 23, 2011 from 1:00 – 2:30 p.m. at the Blenheim Arena.  In all honesty I haven’t had skates on for a few years but I do have some, so come on out and join us for some good family fun and a hot chocolate!

Happy New Years to everyone!  I would like to thank Jane Ablett for this weeks Marc’s Musings.  Jane sent this letter to me just before New Years and it really means a lot to me.  All of the staff here thought that I should ask Jane if I could include her letter in the paper so I did.  Thanks, Jane!       

Marc

I want to express my feelings about this year’s Memorial Tree and to extend my sincere thanks for the time and effort you exhibited in making this year’s tree a reality.  For me, the tree is a powerful visual that allows an opportunity to express a range of emotions.  It offered a dedicated, respectful place to stand quietly and reflect both on the loss of Gary, and about the significant numbers of individuals that our community has lost, recognizing that each of them had value and that they too are loved and missed.  At times, seeing the tree made me smile as I remembered, and at other times I cried.  On several occasions, the tree presented an opportunity to connect with others and share.  Each of those interactions were memorable and another step on the road.  In short, I found the tree to be a place of healing during a very challenging and emotional time of year.  

I particularly liked the positioning of the tree.  I believe that by bringing the tree out in the open that it reinforces the awareness that death is a part of the cycle of life and that we need not hide it.  I am hopeful that its position allowed some teachable moments, not only for the children, but for some adults as well.  Thanks also for your efforts in co-ordinating the balloon release.  It was the perfect experience at the perfect time.

 In summation, our community is richer for having your quiet dedication, compassion, leadership and insight.  You are a good and valued citizen.

Sincerely,

Jane Ablett

If I could give something to you this Christmas, this is what it would be:

Patience

It seems that we are always in a hurry and maybe at Christmas time it’s even worse.  When you’re in the grocery store on the day before Christmas and somebody just took the last loaf of bread, you’re going to feel like crying.  Sometimes life isn’t fair.  I would give you a big box of patience; some for you and some for others.  It’s hard to find patience sometimes when you are grieving.

Time

Some of us can’t wait for the next day and some of us are dreading what it may bring.  Some of us don’t have enough time and some have too much time.  I don’t know who came up with the saying that time heals all because it just doesn’t.  But time is the only way to get from one day to another and tomorrow the edges of your pain may be a bit softer.

Peace

Peace is something that you will find in yourself.  I can’t buy peace for you in a store, but with patience and time, peace may follow. 

Hope    

When we are grieving sometimes it feels like we lose all sense of hope.  Don’t give up hope, because you can’t live without it.  Just remember that you are experiencing the pain of losing because you had the privilege of loving.

Hugs

It’s important to have physical contact.  I watched on t.v. once when some stood on a busy New York street holding a sign that said “free hugs” and it was surprising how many people came up and gave him a hug.  Give a hug and you’ll probably get two in return.

Love

Love isn’t something that ends with death.  You didn’t lose it; what you really want is your loved one back.  I still love my Mom, my sister, my nephew…it’s still there; just not in the same package.  I would help you rediscover that the love is still there, deep in your heart.

Those are the things that I would give you this Christmas.  Instead of concentrating on the things that your loved one took away from you, think of all the things that he or she gave to you.  They are the gifts that you will keep forever.

Warm Christmas wishes,

Marc

This past Sunday Gail and I went to a small community church near Chatham and became Godparents to a couple of boys who lived with us a few years ago.  After the service we went back to their house and watched as they opened some Christmas presents from their grandparents who they won’t be able to see over Christmas.  And that’s when I realized how close Christmas really is.  I felt anxious for awhile because like you, I live in a world of OUGHTS and SHOULDS that make me feel guilty when I can’t meet my own expectations.  So what I did yesterday is to come up with a plan and here it is:

-          Instead of trying to bake everything this year that I have in the past, I’ll ask each of the kids what one thing that they would like me to bake for Christmas and I’ll concentrate on those.

-           Instead of making sure that I have turkey and all the trimmings on Christmas Day, I’m going to make turkey sometime during the holidays.

-          Instead of trying to pack Christmas visits into two days over Christmas and Boxing Day, I’ll stay at home and make some phone calls.  

-          Since the kids are all older now and would rather sleep in, I might have a sleepover with Lucas and Graham and experience the magic of Christmas morning with them.

-          I’m going to give some gift cards instead of gifts which is something that I never thought I would do but the next couple of weeks will be crazy as people head out in full force to shop.

I may not stick with the same plan next year, but for just this year I’m deciding what traditions I need to keep and what ones I can let go of…I may even start a new tradition that works better and keep it for awhile until I need to change it again.  The really big thing was to decide what Christmas means to me and that is spending time with my family.

We always put pamphlets out at Christmas time that talk about grieving through the holidays.  A few people may pick one up but there’s really not a whole lot you can learn in a couple of pages so I will continue next week with some of the challenges of facing the holidays.

The Blenheim Community Funeral Home would like to thank the following people for their help with the Christmas Memorial Tree this year:  To all of you who offered trees to us:  Anne Campbell, Betty Allen, Paul Welton, Nancy Ardis and for the tree that we have this year from Mr & Mrs Leo Verhart, a big thanks!  To Max Lindsay and your crew from M&M Tree Service, for cutting the tree for us, a big thanks!  To Mark Phillips from Phillips Skid Steer Service for going above and beyond, donating your time and equipment and even helping us put ornaments together, a big thanks!  To Anna and Gail for spending countless hours making sure that there were enough ornaments and keeping the name tags up to date, and to Darrell for braving the cold again this year to place ornaments, a big thanks!  To Jeff Perrin and Jayne Parker from Copies & More for laminating and trimming the cards, a big thanks!  To the Blenheim BIA and the Municipality of Chatham-Kent for allowing us to place the tree by the Post Office again, a big thanks!  And to everyone who stopped to talk while we were putting ornaments on the tree to let us know just how meaningful the tree is to you and that you’re glad to see it again this year, a big thanks!

For those of you who missed the lighting, we lit the tree just before the Santa Claus Parade.   The tree was lit, we listened to a song that had a special meaning to us this year and then we released white balloons into the sky.  It was nice.  For all of you who have a family member or a friends name on the tree, our thoughts remain with you this Christmas season.  Your loved ones are remembered.

If anyone would like an ornament placed on the tree, simply call us at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home and we will place one for you.  Or you can place an ornament yourself if you want…we have placed the tree for the surrounding communities to share.

December 1, 2010:  My Mom would have been 80 years old today.  It’s hard to believe that it’s been thirteen years since she passed away.  Sometimes I try to form a picture of what she would look like now but I can’t.  I wish that my Mom could have met Makaila, Rachel and Anna and that she could have held her great grandchildren because she would have loved all of them. 

My Mom loved Christmas.  When we were small she would paint a Christmas scene in the front window and she would string holly around the front door of our house.  A white light shone up into the birch tree in the front yard and a blue flood light not only lit the front of our house but my bedroom ceiling.  I loved that blue light.  Christmas meant a Scotch Pine Christmas Tree with its fragrant scent, coloured lights and strings of popcorn.  It meant looking outside and seeing snow.  It meant coming into a house that smelled like all of the Christmas goodies that Mom would bake.  The things that I liked the most were shortbread cookies in the shape of angels, almond crunch, sticky buns and homemade fruit cocktail.  After a big turkey dinner on Christmas Day, we nibbled on those goodies all afternoon.

I miss my Mom all the time, but I miss her more at Christmas.  Because I understand that special part of grieving, we at the  Blenheim Community Funeral Home along with Family Service Kent, VON Canada and the Bereavement Ontario Network recently sponsored a seminar called “Grieving Through The Holidays”.  One common need that was shared that night is for us to acknowledge our loved ones at Christmas time.  You might do that by giving something of “dad’s” to his children or you may choose to light a candle at the Christmas table to represent each year that your husband has not been there.  For me, it’s making shortbread cookies in the shape of angels.

So, why are funerals so expensive? 

As I wrote last week, when arranging a funeral there are three main expenses; the first being that Funeral Homes have a Service Charge.  This Service Charge compensates for the use of the facilities, for the amount of staff time that may be required, for use of the vehicles and for the preparation of the deceased. 

Funeral Homes generally have high fixed-costs.   Like any business we need to make a profit in order to exist as a business.  We have a high and unpredictable need for our staff, cars and facilities which are sometimes idle.  It’s difficult to determine how much a Funeral Home will be used over the course of the year but we still need to pay utilities, taxes, insurance and staff. 

In Ontario, every Funeral Home is required to have a price list available to the public.  A price list will outline what that Funeral Home’s service charges include.  Funerals can be as simple or as elaborate as you choose and the cost of a Funeral Service will reflect those choices.  A price list will group some of the costs into different packages such as a “Traditional Service” which may include embalming, visitation at the Funeral Home, and a Funeral Service either at the Funeral Home or a Church.  It will also include a package such as “Direct Service” which may include only minimal services provided by the Funeral Home when someone passes away in that we will make the removal from the place of death and arrange for an immediate cremation or burial.  When you compare these two ends of the spectrum there should be a considerable price difference.  More next week…

We have received many calls about the Christmas Memorial Tree and we now have over 400 ornaments to be placed on the tree!  Regardless of who your Funeral Service provider was we will be happy to place an ornament on the tree for you in memory of someone you loved.  There is no charge for the ornaments.

First I want to remind you that the Blenheim Community Funeral Home will be placing a Christmas Memorial Tree at the Post Office in Blenheim again this year.  We will be placing an ornament on the tree for each family that we have served and for anyone else who would like an ornament placed on the tree in memory of a loved one.  There is no charge for this, rather it is one of the community services that we provide.  If you would like an ornament placed, simply call us and we will do that for you.  Or you can place your own ornament on the tree since it is meant to be for the surrounding communities regardless of who your Funeral Service provider was.  We will be lighting the tree on the night of the Santa Claus Parade in Blenheim which is Friday December 3, 2010.  (A couple of months ago I took a course about human behavior and learned that you need to repeat things to people between 14 and 19 times before they remember, so forgive me but I will repeat this message again next week!)

According to the Polara Report that I wrote about that surveyed Canadians about their knowledge and attitudes toward funerals and the funeral industry, only 8% of the respondents reported having a negative experience organizing a funeral.  Of those, about one in five attributed this to the financial burden associated with the funeral as well as the poor service received.  This is the next part of the report that I will write about but it will take a few weeks. 

When arranging a Funeral Service, there are three main expenses.  First the Funeral Home has its own service charge, secondly there is a charge for a casket, container or other supplies and thirdly there are disbursements that we make on your behalf; costs that we have no control over.  Next week I will talk about Funeral Home service charges and options.

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day.  We must remember. If we do not, the sacrifice of those one hundred thousand Canadian lives will be meaningless. They died for us, for their homes and families and friends, for a collection of traditions they cherished and a future they believed in; they died for Canada.

Wars touched the lives of Canadians of all ages, all races, all social classes. Fathers, sons, daughters, sweethearts: they were killed in action, they were wounded, and thousands who returned were forced to live the rest of their lives with the physical and mental scars of war. The people who stayed in Canada also served – in factories, in voluntary service organizations, wherever they were needed.

Yet for many of us, war is a phenomenon seen through the lens of a television camera or a journalist’s account of fighting in distant parts of the world. Our closest physical and emotional experience may be the discovery of wartime memorabilia in a family attic. But even items such as photographs, uniform badges, medals, and diaries can seem vague and unconnected to the life of their owner. For those of us born during peacetime, all wars seem far removed from our daily lives.

By remembering their service and their sacrifice, we recognize the tradition of freedom these men and women fought to preserve. They believed that their actions in the present would make a significant difference for the future, but it is up to us to ensure that their dream of peace is realized. On Remembrance Day, we acknowledge the courage and sacrifice of those who served their country and acknowledge our responsibility to work for the peace they fought hard to achieve.

First let me announce that the Blenheim Community Funeral Home will be putting up a Christmas Memorial Tree in front of the post office again this year.  The Blenheim Community Funeral Home, as well as downtown merchants received many positive comments on the tree last year.  We have also had a number of inquires this year to see if we are going to do it again…Yes we will!  Although this is a project that we take on ourselves and we include an ornament on the tree for each family that we have served, the tree is meant to be a Community Tree so it is open for all of you, regardless of where you live and regardless of who your funeral service provider was.   If you would like us to include an ornament for you, (we are doing this as a Community Service and there is no charge), just give us a call and let us know who the ornament is for and we will place one for you.  Alternatively, if you would like to include your own ornament on the tree, feel free to stop by and place one on the tree.  The only rule is that the ornament can’t be made of glass.  We are so thrilled to be able to provide this remembrance for you and again, we will be lighting the tree the night of the Santa Claus Parade in Blenheim. 

Last week I introduced some of the findings of a recent survey of Canadians attitudes toward funerals.  One of the findings was that there is a need for greater flexibility and more options in funerals.  The study concluded that if the options are there, they aren’t communicated effectively.  While there are Funeral Homes and Funeral Directors who have resisted changes over the years, there are also Funeral Homes like ours that embrace change.  I have always said that during your time here, our home is your home and that our motto here at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home is “yes we can”, or more importantly “yes YOU can”.  Often when I make funeral arrangements I can sense that there is something that a family would like to do but there may also be some resistance to bring it up.  Let me tell you, when I think of my own funeral, I envision a warm summer day on the shore of Lake Erie…very casual, maybe even mandatory shorts, sandals and t-shirts (Funeral Home Staff included) and hotdogs cooked over the fire!

Recently there was an online study of Canadians 35 years of age or older to measure their knowledge of and attitudes toward various aspects of a funeral as well as the funeral industry in general.  Here are a few excerpts from that study:

-          Respondents generally have positive experiences with the funeral preparation process.

-          Only 8% of respondents reported having a negative experience organizing a funeral.  Of those, about one in five attributed this to the financial burden associated with the funeral, as well as the poor service received.

-          There is a need for greater flexibility and more options in funeral preparation.

-          Professional services, out-of-pocket expenses, and the resting place are the more valuable aspects of the funeral service.  On the other hand, items such as memorials, transportation, casket/urn, or vault have less value to respondents.

-          Organizing a reception following a funeral is generally very prevalent (80%); the Atlantic Provinces being the exception with only 52% holding a reception following the funeral.

-          Many feel that funerals should celebrate life (not dwell only on its loss).  This is expressed in people’s views on their own funeral:  they would want to focus the celebrations on their life.

-          Incidence of cremations over burial has increased considerably in the past six years, from 38% in 2004 to 53% now, and this upward tendency for cremation is likely to continue into the future as 70% of respondents declare preference of cremation over burial.

-          The majority of Canadians over 35 are open to the idea of considering a more environmentally friendly funeral.

-          Few Canadians (12% age 35 or older) have pre-planned their funeral.  However, a majority (75%) have put some thought into their own funeral.  For most, those thoughts and decisions are limited to discussions with family, creating a will or completing a donor card.

I have listened to many folks who say that they want information and so I want to spend some time over the next few weeks talking about some of these things from the study.  I promise I won’t bore you but I hope that I will make you think.

I made reference once to a song by Air Supply that goes “In the eyes of a child there is joy, there is laughter.  There is hope, there is love, a chance to shape the future.  For the lessons in life there is no better teacher than to look in the eyes of a child”.  That song rang true for me this past weekend.  On Saturday night it was “boys night out”…not what you might typically think with cards, cigars and beer; rather this “boys night out” was a grandfather and his grandson spending the night at the trailer…just the two of us probably the last time this season. 

When you have boys night out, the first rule is that you have to go to the grocery store for snacks…stuff that you don’t get at home like smarties and dibbs and eggo’s for breakfast.  Then you go to Aug’s to pick up a couple of movies about trucks and trains and you’re good to go.   We had fun.  We ate all the smarties (except for one that was shaped like a heart that Lucas wanted to take home to Mama) and we ate most of the dibbs but saved some for breakfast!

In the morning we went for a walk on the beach and played at the park.  I try to figure out why it seems different between my children and my grandchildren.  I guess when our own children were small Gail and I were juggling shiftwork, mortgage payments and worrying about doing things right whereas now I am more relaxed and able to enjoy the moments with my grandchildren. 

As the morning unfolded, the most common game for us (led by Lucas) was “pretend” which gave me an idea of the kinds of things that he is concerned about and wonders about.  For the most part our pretending involved doing something nice for somebody which made me feel good since he is the next generation.  I would be surprised if he doesn’t enter a vocation that centers around caring for people. 

Once he found a couple of sticks; one long and one short.  “Papa, pretend we are both old dads and these are our canes”.  Yes, he’s connecting the dots!

When I look out my office window I see a number of trees, but two of them stand out over the rest.  Although they are different trees with different shapes, sizes and colours they complement each other.  Right now one is turning crimson, the other amber.  I watch them as they change colours in the fall and lose their leaves, I watch them as they hold snow on their branches in the winter and finally as they burst forth each spring with new promise.  I ponder life a lot when I look at them.  They remind me that there’s so much beauty in the world and it’s right here…it doesn’t cost any money, it lasts more than a short time and it can be shared by all.    

As I write this Musings, I am getting ready for Thanksgiving.  This is one of my favourite holidays in the year.  As I lay in bed last night I thought about some of the Thanksgivings in my life and the things that I have to be thankful for.  Although my life is not perfect, the good outweighs the bad and I am content.  I have a wonderful wife, great children who make me proud and two of the most adorable grandsons that anyone could ever ask for!  (Last Tuesday Lucas called me and asked if I could come for a sleepover and so I did.  We had cheesies in bed and watched Marmaduke.  We shared a can of pop.  And when we got tired, we went to sleep…probably the earliest that I have been to sleep in a long time!)  My parents gave me great childhood and taught me about responsibility and respect at an early age…values that I have passed on to my own children.  I have many fond memories of life on the farm with six kids.

And I am thankful for you.  I am honoured that so many of you have invited me into your lives; that it was me that you reached out to when you needed someone.  I will continue to do whatever it is that I can do to earn your respect and trust.   Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This is everyone’s nightmare:  your spouse passes away; it’s Friday afternoon and you want to have the Funeral Service on the holiday Monday.  You don’t have cemetery lots but you know that you want to use one of the municipal cemeteries.  You need to purchase two graves so that you can be interred someday with your spouse.  You go to the local Funeral Home to make arrangements and find out that the cemetery portion of the funeral account will be:

The cemetery won’t extend credit when a purchase is made at the time of need because there is a lack of recourse after an interment has taken place.  You have money invested but it will take a few days before it can be transferred or maybe you have an insurance policy but it’s going to take a few weeks before it is settled…what do you do?

Councilor Jim Brown of Ridgetown attended the cemetery meeting that I wrote about two weeks ago.  He brought forth that very concern because it has been raised to him a number of times by families who were told by the Funeral Home that until the cemetery costs were paid they couldn’t bury their loved one.  In those cases, on top of everything else that they had going on, they had to borrow money from someone and pay the Municipality before the days end.  All of the Funeral Home representatives except for one who responded to Councilor Brown’s concern stated that they allow families to include cemetery charges on their funeral account.  

At the Blenheim Community Funeral Home, we have always allowed and will continue to allow families to include the cemetery charges on their funeral account, even if that amount is $4571.31 because we believe in people.

Here are some basic facts about cemeteries:  the Municipality of Chatham Kent oversees a number of cemeteries including Evergreen Cemetery, Greenwood Cemetery, Maple Leaf Cemetery, Dresden Cemetery and Riverview Cemetery.  There are also fifty non-municipally operated cemeteries in Chatham-Kent. 

The Cemeteries Act requires that any abandoned cemetery operation must be assumed by the municipal authority and care and maintenance also becomes the responsibility of that municipal authority.  Since the municipal amalgamation in 1998 the Municipality of Chatham-Kent has assumed responsibility for 65 cemeteries, the most recent being Sherman Cemetery in Thamesville.   

Private cemeteries are overseen by members of a board.  While regulations remain consistent between municipally operated cemeteries, they vary between private cemeteries.  One regulation consistent between all cemeteries is that in any grave you can inter one casket plus two cremation containers or if there is no intent for a full (casket) interment then you can inter at least four cremation containers.  While fee structures remain consistent between municipally operated cemeteries, they vary and are generally less in private cemeteries.

Because the Municipality works within the parameters of a collective agreement with its employees, it is necessary to pay overtime under certain conditions.  That part of the cemetery operations is not new; rather what I wrote about last week regarding extra interment charges reflects a return to the way that overtime was charged years ago…instead of relying on tax dollars to cover the overtime cost, it will be an at-need charge.  Years ago it was not uncommon to have a Funeral Service on a Saturday, Sunday or Holiday and then the immediate family would attend the interment on the next business day…and often they would find that time alone was even more meaningful.  If meeting at the cemetery another day is not an option, then the first option will be to pay the overtime charges and inter on a Saturday or Holiday.  Just remember that in a world of probabilities there is a greater chance that you will not have to make this decision and also that at this point overtime applies to Municipal Cemeteries.

I want to touch on cemeteries for a couple of weeks…

Last October all of the Funeral Homes in Chatham-Kent were invited to a meeting to discuss the 2010 Cemeteries Business Plan.  Part of the discussion at that meeting included the amount of overtime that was being paid out by the Municipality related to interments.  Prior to 2003 there were extra interment charges for Saturday and Holiday interments, but in 2003 Council eliminated those charges.  Since that time, the overtime costs related to interments rose from $7000 per year to $30,000 per year.  And of course at the end of the year, there is a dependency on tax dollar support to cover those costs.    Everyone at the meeting supported a return to extra interment charges that would incur overtime costs (keep in mind that there are always options).    As well, we discussed other revenue generating opportunities for Cemeteries such as shrub maintenance, where lot owners can call and request trees to be trimmed or removed.                 

On July 19, 2010 Chatham-Kent Council approved a 2010 – 2014 Chatham-Kent Cemeteries Business Plan to include additional charges for necessitated work Monday through Friday after 4:00 p.m. and all day on Saturdays and Holidays and for trimming and/or removal of shrubs requested by lot owners.  Since the extra interment charges and fees for shrub maintenance required a filing of rates with the Cemeteries Regulations Unit, these charges were not implemented until Monday September 13, 2010.  The new charges with the HST included are as follows:

Extra Interment Charges:

After 5:00 p.m. Monday thru Friday per half hour             $84.75

Saturday Adult Interments                                                          $271.20

Saturday Cremation Interment                                                  $135.60

Saturday Child Interment                                                             $120.00

Holiday Adult Interment                                                               $361.60

Holiday Cremation Interment                                                     $180.80

Holiday Child Interment                                                                $180.80

Shrub Maintenance Charges:

Trimming under 1.5 metres                                                         $8.48

Trimming over 1.5 metres                                                            $14.13

Removal under 1.5 metres                                                          $14.13

Removal over 1.5 metres                                                             $19.78

Removal over 2.0 metres                                                             $28.25

When I was about the age that Makaila is now, I went to Camp Kandalore near Minden Ontario for a month.  While a month seems like a very long time for a kid to be away from home, I had a cousin who was a returning counselor there and I was quick to figure out that I would miss at least one hay baling so it was okay.  At the half way point on a Sunday, parents were allowed to come and visit the campers.  I remember thinking that because it was such a long drive Mom wouldn’t make it there until after lunch.  But as I stood waiting to cross the bridge to the island where church was, someone came up behind me and gave me a great big hug…it was Mom.  God, I miss her.

One night in the midst of our sleep, our counselor burst in to the cabin ranting about the moon being blue and that every blue moon, campers went out onto the lake to see it.  That was a hard sell for me because I didn’t see a glimpse of blue in the moon regardless of the fact that other campers did and I no more wanted to be in a canoe on the lake in the dark than I wanted to fly to the moon.  I do remember that the moon was full that night and its glimmer across the lake like a million diamonds is something that I still appreciate forty years later. 

As fall approaches and our days at the trailer become numbered, we try to squeeze in as much time as we can there.  This past weekend as Makaila slept, I walked outside to listen to the waves.  In the hush of the night and the comforting sound of moving water I looked up to the sky to see more stars that I have ever seen before.  Those are moments that take my breath away and reassure me that there is a heaven.  Because I was in shorts and it was cold, I soon headed inside and curled up under my blankets only to remember the “blue moon”.  I got up, got dressed and went back outside to enjoy the night.  In retrospect, I should have woke Makaila up and tried to sell her on the “blue moon” so that in forty years she would look up into the stars and smile!

When we built the Blenheim Community Funeral Home seven years ago, it was important for us to include the name “Community” instead of our own names because of our broader community-based understanding of funeral service.  We believe that when someone passes away, the whole community is affected by the loss.  We recognize that while we may provide the facilities and services to facilitate a funeral, it is the community that comes together and supports a family in their time of loss.  One of our missions was to create a facility that would be friendly and that would be able to support the communities that support us.  In keeping with that thought, it was important for us to include a Children’s Room.  The Children’s Room is close to the visitation area so that parents can still see and hear their children and know that they are happy and safe.  Having a children’s room makes it easier for children to be a part of a significant life changing event and we believe that is important.  Another thing that we included is a Community Room.  There has never been a charge for the use of this room and it is available to you seven days of the week, day and evening.  We even supply the beverages!  We have had bridal showers, baby showers, birthday parties, family dinners, get away days for businesses, meetings for churches, wedding pictures, health & safety training, baseball registration, soccer meetings, special event meetings…even a weekend long retreat in this room!  The Community Room is one of the areas here where families can go to eat dinner between visitations or have receptions after a funeral service.  For your convenience we have banquet tables and chairs, electric roasters, a barbeque, a refrigerator and an oven.  We can cater for you or you can have someone else cater for you or you can bring your own food.  I’ve always said that “our home is your home”.

Makaila was sitting on the other side of the desk when I started to write Marc’s Musings this week so I asked her to interview me, to see what things, as a twelve year old she wonders about funerals.  Here’s our conversation:

Makaila:  Why did you start being a funeral director?

Marc:  I have always like helping people.  The best part of being a funeral director is to be able to help people when they need it most.

Makaila:  Who inspired you to be a funeral director?

Marc:  Uncle Bert Hills, because that’s the first funeral that I remember, my sister Bev because I wanted to change things, Uncle Clayton because it was at his funeral that I decided then to pursue my career and Pearl Graves because she left me the money that put me through school.

Makaila:  At the end of the day, are you proud of yourself?  And why?

Marc:  Yes, I am.  I give it my all.  I try to do everything that I can to make the time that a family is here at the funeral home easier for them.

Makaila:  If you weren’t a Funeral Director, what would you be?

Marc:  I enjoyed being a Developmental Service Worker.  I also thought about being a Nurse.

Makaila:  If there’s one life lesson you’ve learned while you were a Funeral Director, what is it? 

Marc:  That everyone makes a contribution to the world, regardless of their age or anything else about them. 

Makaila:  If someone famous were to visit the funeral home, who would you hope it would be?

Marc:  Opie Taylor (she didn’t get that one!)

Makaila:  Is it hard to work in a business where people are crying and you have to try not to cry because you want to look professional?

Marc:  I’ve cried with the best of them.  You can’t have feelings and not cry.

And then I turned the table and asked her a question…

Marc:  Do your friends ask you about the funeral home?

Makaila:  They ask me why you do that.

Marc:  What do you tell them?

Makaila:  You should do what you love and I guess he loves being a Funeral Director!

When you have kids sometimes you judge the seasons by the school year and so when I think that school is starting in a couple of weeks it feels to me that summer is almost over.  A drive in the country shows that the tobacco harvest has started, some of the seed corn is starting to turn and the fruit is ripe on the trees.  Last Sunday afternoon it felt like it was fall. 

The beginning of school is bittersweet for me.  Right now we have five children at home who will attend five different schools…that has the potential for five different meet the teacher nights, five different parent teacher interview nights and five different Christmas concerts.  When it comes to two of the kids schools competing against each other in sports, I’ll just have to cheer when everybody gets ahead…it will make people wonder who the crazy person is in the back! 

I remember the days of getting ready for school.  Each year we got a new lunch pail which was a square metal box with some kind of design on it, new binders,paper and pens; usually bic pens because they were only nineteen cents each.  We also got one new outfit to wear on the first day of school.  Each year I promised myself to keep my notes more organized than the last year and each year I did just that…for about a month.  There seems to be so much more for kids to learn now.  Makaila came home last year with grade six math that I’m sure I took in high school.  I don’t know how kids are keeping up.  I guess with all of the new knowledge comes new ways of learning and somehow it all works.

So back to school, back to making lunches, back to trying to make lunches more exciting and back to making more lunches…I think that I’m the Grinch of making lunches but I’ll just have to deal with it!

When someone dies, much of the concern that we show is directed to that person’s family, and rightly so.  But there are significant people in everyone’s life who will also grieve a loss…those people who we call “friends”.  Webster’s Dictionary includes the definition of friend to be a favoured companion and in that vein, it is reasonable that friends as well as families will grieve.  Friends will go through all of the same stages of grief that I have written about before, only I think that the onset may be different…it could be delayed a bit if friends don’t live together and are not in each other’s daily lives. 

For everyone, the first stage of grief is shock and disbelief which is what helps us get through those initial days and which is why the loss seems to hurt more as time goes on.  One day you will go to do one of those “friend things” and it will hit you that Jane is really not there.  And you’ll be sad and you’ll be angry and maybe for awhile you may not feel like doing “friend things” because it hurts too much or because you feel guilty for having fun without her.  Maybe without really understanding what is going on you will go to a place where it doesn’t hurt so much and throw yourself into doing things to an extreme like working or shopping or baking.  And then, as Oprah says, you’ll have an “aha” moment when you realize what’s going on and why you’re doing the things you’re doing and you can begin to heal.

In one of my favourite songs by Michael W Smith called “Friends Are Friends Forever” he sings about losing friends and he sings “We’ll keep you close as always; it won’t even seem you’re gone.  ‘Cause our hearts in big and small ways will keep the love that keeps us strong.  Though it’s hard to let you go in the Father’s hands we know that a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends”.

Over the past few weeks I have been writing about the ten stages that you will go through when you experience grief.  The first stage is “Shock & Disbelief” which is really a buffer period and it allows you to get your thoughts together.  Second is “Emotional Release” which is the ability to get rid of those bottled up feelings by crying, screaming or laughing.  The third stage is “Depression” which is when you start to realize the impact of your loss.  Fourth is “Psychosomatic Illness” when you may develop symptoms that were suffered by a loved one in the early stage of a disease.  The fifth stage is “Guilt”.  This is the stage that many people find themselves stuck in for prolonged periods of time.  Sixth is “Panic” when all of the sudden you wonder how you are going to manage now that you have lost the shoulder that you were so accustomed to leaning on.  The seventh stage is “Selfishness”.  This is the stage when you are really getting to feel worn down and you will find it hard to think of the needs of others.  Eighth is “State of Inertia” when you will feel like doing nothing and wonder what the use is of carrying on.  Number nine is “Hope” and that’s when you start to realize that the memories live on, but it just doesn’t hurt as much to think about them.

The final stage of the grief cycle is “Return to Normality”.     All of you who have experienced grief will question the word “normality” because it’s never going to be normal again.  But in terms of behavior, the word normal refers to “a lack of significant deviation from the average”.  So what this means is that there will come a time when you will become able to divest yourself into other things again.  Maybe you will find yourself being able to go to work for a day without becoming overwhelmed.  Life will never be the same, it just becomes different and you come to accept it for its own merit.

The eighth stage of the grief cycle is called State of Inertia.  This is the time when you will feel like doing nothing; the time when you will be sitting in your car, watching a train come down the tracks and wondering what use there is in carrying on.  This is another stage like depression and what you really need is friends because it becomes too easy to wall yourself off from society.  A good thing to do for yourself is to make goals.  Start with something simple; list one or two tasks that you can to accomplish the next day, whether it is cleaning out a drawer or cleaning the car and then make sure that you accomplish your goal.  You’ll be surprised how much better you will feel having done that.

The ninth stage is called Hope.  There will come a time when you realize that there is still a life for you…maybe a new life and a different life, but one that you are able to find meaningful and positive enough to carry on.  It doesn’t mean that you forget the life you had, it doesn’t mean that you get over your grief…it just means that it doesn’t hurt so much to think about the memories.

“Grief” is an emotion that we feel when we experience loss.  Death is only one kind of loss.  Other losses that make us grieve include divorce, losing your job, loss of a pet and so on…all of those things that end the life that we knew and force us to start a new one.  There are a number of factors that will affect the intensity of the grief such as the quality of a relationship, an individual’s acceptance of death and the manner in which the loss occurred.    

The sixth stage of grief that we will experience is Panic.  All of the sudden you will wonder how you will be able to manage now that you have lost the shoulder that you had always leaned on.  You will wonder how you will handle special days like Christmas and birthdays.  For some, it will mean that you will need to find a job.  Panic can be a pretty overwhelming stage. 

 I remember how overwhelming the “firsts” were…the first Christmas, the first birthday.  Every family has traditions; a big one for Gail, the kids and I is to see the fireworks on the first of July.  We have a million dollar view from our trailer and we have a fire and cook hotdogs.  I think the first of July would hurt a lot for me.  Sometimes the best way to handle those “first” times is to do something totally different than you usually do. 

  Selfishness is the next stage.  When you go through this stage, you will feel like nobody else has a problem like you do.  You can become so lost that you will find it hard to think of the needs of others.  You might think that people don’t care enough or that they are not feeling the loss with the same magnitude that you are.  Rest assured that in their own way, they are…they just may not show it in the same way that you do.

This is the third week for us to walk through the stages of grief that we will all experience when someone close to us dies.  So far I have touched on Shock & Disbelief, Emotional Release and Depression.  The fourth stage that we will go through is called Psychosomatic Illness.  It is very common for us, after someone dies to develop symptoms that were suffered by a loved one in the early stage of an illness.  Small aches and pains that we have had a hundred times before bring on new responses in the back of our minds.  It is common to experience Depression and Psychosomatic Illness at the same time.  It is important in this stage to recognize that your symptoms may be real and you should not always pass them off.

Number five is Guilt.  This is a huge stage and it is the one that many people get stuck in…remember when I talked about a “bad grief cycle”?  We live in a guilt ridden society.  I can sit at my desk on any given day and find something to feel guilty about.  A few years ago I facilitated a Widows and Widowers Group and the guilt that I heard about more than any other was “I wasn’t there when my spouse died”.  I remember one lady saying that she was driving into town and met an ambulance heading toward the village that she lived in.  It gave her a funny feeling, but she kept going on into town.  The ambulance, as it turned out was for her husband.  I felt just as much at a loss for words then as I do now.  I wanted to tell her that there was no way for her to have known, but she already knew that and it was of no consolation.  Guilt is something that you may never totally recover from, and maybe the best you can do is to adapt your life around it.

We were sitting in the church before my mother’s funeral.  My son and my nephew, both about 13 at the time were sitting next to each other.  I don’t know who started to laugh first, but between the two of them, it became contagious.  My sister was a bit annoyed at those two boys but she just didn’t understand what was really happening.  Darrell and Joel loved their Grandma a lot and I knew that they weren’t laughing at anything in particular.  The second stage of the grief cycle is Emotional Release.  This is the ability to get rid of those bottled up feelings by crying, by screaming and yes, even by laughing…whatever positive manifestations that allow a release of emotions. 

It’s important to know that even though we will all experience these stages of grief, we will experience them at our own speed and maybe more than one stage at a time.  It’s also important to know that it may take a couple of years to work your way through a “good grief” cycle.  If you have ever heard of the phrase “bad grief”, it would relate to becoming stuck in one stage and not being able to move on.        

The third stage of the grief cycle is Depression.  This is the stage when you start to realize the impact of the loss.  This is the stage when you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning or once you get the kids off to school, you want to go back to bed and stay there.  What’s really important to know in this stage is that the people around you really do care.  So if you are reading this, and you know someone who is grieving, let me tell you that a phone call, a visit or a card are all good things.  Don’t stay away because you don’t think that you know the right things to say.  Sometimes you just need to listen.  Sometimes it’s not what you say that means so much, but just the fact that you cared enough to come.

When my sister died the year before I went to Humber College, I kept everything inside.  I avoided being around the people who could have helped me the most because I thought that when people had a common reason to grieve, they couldn’t support each other.  How wrong I was!  One of the most interesting courses that I took when I was in the Funeral Service course was called “Psychology of Grief”.  I remember sitting on the floor of my room in Toronto typing out assignments for that course; the tears running down my face partly because I was reliving a time of my life that hurt too much and partly because I learned that all those things that I had felt when Bev died were actually normal.     

There are very distinct stages that we all go through when a significant person in our life dies.  I can’t stress to you enough that it’s never too early and it’s never too late to learn about grief.  And so for the next few weeks, I want to talk about ten stages that we will all go through at our own speeds, when someone close to us dies. 

The first stage is Shock and Disbelief.  Sometimes shock is so great that people react in abrupt ways.  I know personally of a time when the bearer of bad news was punched by the person receiving the news, but generally shock makes us numb.  Shock and Disbelief is a buffer period.  This is the time when you are on your way to the hospital and you’re thinking that maybe you heard something wrong, maybe it was somebody else and maybe this is just a bad dream.  This stage allows you to get your thoughts together and prepare yourself.   It is for this reason that it is important to see the person who died because that is the single moment that allows you to face the reality and to begin working through your own grief.