The sixth stage of grief that we will experience is Panic.  All of the sudden you will wonder how you will be able to manage now that you have lost the shoulder that you had always leaned on.  You will wonder how you will handle special days like Christmas and birthdays.  For some, it will mean that you will need to find a job.  Panic can be a pretty overwhelming stage. 

 I remember how overwhelming the “firsts” were…the first Christmas, the first birthday.  Every family has traditions; a big one for Gail, the kids and I is to see the fireworks on the first of July.  We have a million dollar view from our trailer and we have a fire and cook hotdogs.  I think the first of July would hurt a lot for me.  Sometimes the best way to handle those “first” times is to do something totally different than you usually do. 

  Selfishness is the next stage.  When you go through this stage, you will feel like nobody else has a problem like you do.  You can become so lost that you will find it hard to think of the needs of others.  You might think that people don’t care enough or that they are not feeling the loss with the same magnitude that you are.  Rest assured that in their own way, they are…they just may not show it in the same way that you do.

Number five is Guilt.  This is a huge stage and it is the one that many people get stuck in…remember when I talked about a “bad grief cycle”?  We live in a guilt ridden society.  I can sit at my desk on any given day and find something to feel guilty about.  A few years ago I facilitated a Widows and Widowers Group and the guilt that I heard about more than any other was “I wasn’t there when my spouse died”.  I remember one lady saying that she was driving into town and met an ambulance heading toward the village that she lived in.  It gave her a funny feeling, but she kept going on into town.  The ambulance, as it turned out was for her husband.  I felt just as much at a loss for words then as I do now.  I wanted to tell her that there was no way for her to have known, but she already knew that and it was of no consolation.  Guilt is something that you may never totally recover from, and maybe the best you can do is to adapt your life around it.

It’s important to know that even though we will all experience these stages of grief, we will experience them at our own speed and maybe more than one stage at a time.  It’s also important to know that it may take a couple of years to work your way through a “good grief” cycle.  If you have ever heard of the phrase “bad grief”, it would relate to becoming stuck in one stage and not being able to move on.        

The third stage of the grief cycle is Depression.  This is the stage when you start to realize the impact of the loss.  This is the stage when you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning or once you get the kids off to school, you want to go back to bed and stay there.  What’s really important to know in this stage is that the people around you really do care.  So if you are reading this, and you know someone who is grieving, let me tell you that a phone call, a visit or a card are all good things.  Don’t stay away because you don’t think that you know the right things to say.  Sometimes you just need to listen.  Sometimes it’s not what you say that means so much, but just the fact that you cared enough to come.

There are stages that we all go through when a significant person in our life dies and although some have different names or thoughts, I’ll tell you what I know.  I can’t stress to you enough that it’s never too early and it’s never too late to learn about grief.  And so for the next few weeks, I want to talk about ten stages that we will all go through at our own speeds, when someone close to us dies. 

The first stage is Shock and Disbelief.  Sometimes shock is so great that people react in abrupt ways.  I know personally of a time when the bearer of bad news was punched by the person receiving the news, but generally shock makes us numb.  Shock and Disbelief is a buffer period.  This is the time when you are on your way to the hospital and you’re thinking that maybe you heard something wrong, maybe it was somebody else and maybe this is just a bad dream.  This stage allows you to get your thoughts together and prepare yourself.   It is for this reason that it is important to see the person who died because that is the single moment that allows you to face the reality and to begin working through your own grief.

Wayne was a kind and caring person who loved people and always wore a smile.  Family was most the most important thing to him and many good memories were created from camping times, from cheering Nicole and Matthew on at their sporting events and from quiet times that they were able to spend together.  For the past fifteen years Wayne showed true dedication and concern for others and his community by volunteering as a Firefighter with the Chatham-Kent Fire Service, first at Station 17 in Merlin and then at Station 18 in Blenheim…he will greatly missed by all of his extended family there. 

Family and friends are invited to gather at the Blenheim Community Funeral Home on Monday from 2 – 4 & 7 – 9 p.m. to show their support to Wayne’s family.  Members of the Chatham-Kent Fire Services will gather at the Funeral Home to pay their respects at 7 p.m.  A Funeral Mass for Wayne will take place in St. Mary’s Church on Tuesday at 11 a.m.  Friends wishing to remember Wayne with a memorial donation are asked to consider the Canadian Cancer Society or the Blenheim Blades Hockey Team. 

Marc,
 I wanted to drop you a note to say how much it makes my day every time I walk by the memorial tree uptown.  One of you took the time to appreciate that the angel for my Dad with the tag “Grampa Ken Fields” attached was something very special from the gradnchildren and put it just at the right height for them.  They are so proud to point it out to everyone around each time we walk by.  As I look over the many decorations for people whom have been a part of our lives at some point, it brings back so many memories of lives well lived and so many taken too soon.  Sometimes we laugh remembering funny stories and sometimes we cry.  I want to thank you, because I know for certain there are many just like me who appreciate the reminiscing and I hope that Dad’s ornament has done that for some as well.
I found it ironic that in your Musings this week (yes, the younger generation reads them too!) you mentioned that if you were to give everyone a gift it would be: time, peace, hope, hugs and love.  I believe the tree gives all of those priceless things and more!
 If you haven’t already found one for next year Ian and I would be honoured to donate the tree.
 I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and only the very best in the New Year!
Rhonda Rumble

Thanks, Rhonda!